I have come to realize that our attempt at reconciliation was doomed from the start. Not because of anything my STBX did. But because of my own actions. I was selfish even after I admitted my affair to him.
All my thoughts and fears were over what was going to happen to me, what other people would think of me. I have almost no thought to him. To the kind of pain he must have been feeling. Even after he basically threw me out I only felt sorry for myself. I again gave almost no thought to his feelings. The shame he must have felt to admit to people that his wife slept with another man. How that must have made him feel. Thinking of this isn’t pleasant and it makes me feel disgusted with myself even more.
How could I have continued to be so selfish? Even after crushing this man’s life I still thought of myself first. I reflect back that back when he would still talk to me once a week a lot of my conversations with him were centered around the effects this was having on my life. He must have sat there and thought of what a selfish immature person he had the misfortune of marrying.
He didn’t deserve this. He really didn’t. He’s not perfect, who is? But he was a good husband and he’s a good man. I want him to know that. This shit reflects poorly on me and not on him. I honestly can’t even begrudge him his revenge affair. It hurt that he did it but again all I thought of was ho it made me feel. I have no thought to what he must have been going through to act that way. He certainly never showed any interest in other women before all this happened. He’s so handsome and other women would try to flirt with him sometimes even when we were together. He used to laugh and tell me I was the only one for him. I’m so sorry for hurting him. I really am.
A part of me wishes I could tell him this. And apologize sincerely this time. I know he wouldn’t believe me but in the last year I have changed. I’m still a work in progress but I really think I have made so much progress in the last almost 11 months that I’ve been in IC. Rant over for now. I appreciate this place where I can come and vent from time to time.
He asked me if I’d rather go to a mediation when it comes to the divorce. That’s been our only conversation for a long time. It was brief, almost professional. It hurt but I think that might be for the best. There isn’t a lot for us to really fight over as the house was his before we were married.
These will be the first holidays since we separated. Even though he knew about the affair before last Christmas we were still technically together. It hope he spends it surrounded by family and friends. I know I will. I’m still trying to rebuild some of those relationships. His sister (my former best friend) is a lost cause and a few of our friends group seem to have forgotten me but I have my sister and I have a couple of my oldest friends still.
