SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is more venting than anything else, but, perhaps, some also empathize and have encountered similar people. My MIL lacks a filter. It is annoying, frustrating, astonishing and sad all at the same time.

I'm amazed that someone in their 80s hasn't learned that uttering everything she thinks isn't welcome and will, some percentage of the time, hurt or alienate people around her. Part of it is annoying and fascinating at the same time. Going down a street will result in "Those people's yard needs some work", "The furniture in that front room looks nice", "Why don't those people know that their color scheme doesn't work so well?", "There is someone watering their flowers with a garden hose", etc. She often takes up all the air in the room while, simultaneously, showing what interests her and what she is critical about. Inevitably, out of the voluminous number of thoughts she speaks, there will be some that sting and it is typically aligned with what she is critical about when aimed at a family member - "Your house is kind of messy", "Why would you choose to do that?", "That's a mistake and it wasn't very smart", etc.

It's also perplexing in a way. Her ability to gab seems to endear her to acquaintances any many think that she is "sweet". However, she doesn't seem to see that those who deal with her more often -- her husband, kids and grandchildren -- get annoyed, frustrated or her hurt. Not to the extent that any have cut her off, but such that they limit time with her and/or minimize contact at a group event. The best reason I can come up with as to why she is this way is due to her own past trauma. When MIL was growing up, she lost her mom when she was in her early teens. My MIL, being the oldest, stepped up to help out and became a sort of substitute mother for her siblings. Her dad got remarried within a couple years and the new step-mom immediately kicked the MIL out of the house. It would seem that my MIL felt that she wasn't heard or cared about, so now she has a habit of ensuring everyone hears what she has to say and, it would seem, that this either soothes her or makes her feel valuable.

So while I can see why she may be the way she is, she also hasn't figured that out for herself or taken corrective steps. So the (limited) visits still can be annoying or even surface some sharp comment that it would have been nice if she would have filtered it out.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 9:46 PM, Sunday, February 20th]

Age isn't going to help that, I'm afraid. People tend to lose their filters as the brain deteriorates. I do think you're right about the trauma though. My mother had a very traumatic childhood and never had a filter to speak of... and even THAT got worse the older she got.

Thanks ChamomileTea. You're right -- it only gets more pronounced with age. And thanks for sharing that it very well could stem from her own trauma. That makes it more understandable and arms me with a bit more patience at times, but also a resolve to ensure good boundaries are in place so that the ill-effects of her trauma are as contained as possible.

If it helps any, we miss 'em when they're gone. It's weird how embarrassment turns to laughs. I was so mortified in public whenever my mother would say something awful. But now, my siblings and I tend to get together and remember these stories with more humor.