SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My situation is still ongoing as I am only 2 months out from D Day, but I am having a really rough time of it today. My wife went to stay with a mutual friend of ours for a while but came back and has been with me the last week ish because we both have COVID and have been taking care of each other. Some days are really good and we spend time together and talk and have a good time. Some days we are even intimate. Days like today are tough. She isn't able to tell me she loves me on these days and tells me I am going to lose her. I don't know how to cope with it. I want her so badly and I know I never should have done what I did if I truly wanted her, but I did and I still do. I want to respect her and give her what she wants, but I don't know how to take care of myself too. I can hear her in the other room singing sometimes and it just breaks my heart. Some days I look in her eyes and see love, but today I just see pain. How do I come to terms with the fact that I cheated, that it will probably lead to the end of a marriage with someone I truly love, and that I will be alone and it will be completely my fault?

Sorry didn't see the stop sign.

[This message edited by Ariopolis at 8:39 PM, January 10th (Sunday)]

I'm a newbie here but the swing in emotions is normal for a BW/BH. It took my BH a few months to fully commit to working on our marriage.

During this time you need to do your work. Support your W and see the gift you are given appreciate it cherish it and most of all work hard to keep it.

You didn't give a lot of details but make sure you are NC with AP.

My BH didn't want a polygraph but did want a timeline and to hear my whys. I offered my BH to get a polygraph and an STD test, I had EA 7yrs ago 15 PA at beginning of relationship I still offered to show my BH he can be safe with me.

Read the first post on this forum.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 12:03 AM, January 11th (Monday)]

She isn't able to tell me she loves me on these days and tells me I am going to lose her. I don't know how to cope with it.

its difficult to face consequences, even self inflicted ones. And the loss to be had here is great. I'm not sure there is anything you can do to cope with the pain other than feel it and process it. Its okay to be sad and angry at yourself for the terrible choices you've made. I was for a long time and still am to some degree. So it takes time.

Its gut wrenching, I know. We go down the cheating path feeling invincible and so sure we will never be caught. Thinking no one is going to get hurt, then it happens. We spend a lot of mental energy compartmentalizing to the point of oblivion and then reality comes crashing down hard, we aren't prepared for it. We witness the carnage, the fallout, the pain, the visible shift in our BSs. The loss.

Its a lot, at our own hands. Its not going to be comfortable but you gotta own this part. In fact its going to hurt like hell. However, its only a fraction of the pain felt by our BSs, and if they can get up every day and face reality, so can you.

How do I come to terms with the fact that I cheated, that it will probably lead to the end of a marriage with someone I truly love, and that I will be alone and it will be completely my fault?

I mean yeah, losing our spouse after cheating on them is a real possibility. One you need to face head on. Again there's no easy way around these feelings. I wish I had more uplifting words to help you through. Because I really do understand what you are feeling, and no doubt its hard.

Sometimes a good cry helps, writing, grounding yourself. Acceptance, allowing yourself to accept the situation you've put your family in is probably a good starting point to owning it. Try to move past "I can't believe I did this" to "I did this" and just sit with the thoughts and feelings. Again, its not going to be pleasant but its necessary.

Two months out is still so early and full of such raw emotions. One day at a time.