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SO and I will be celebrating 9 years together in August, and we have always been able to trust one another, unlike the relationship with xWH. But for the first time since he and I started dating, I had a trigger last night and it sent me into a full blown panic attack. My girlfriend, thankfully, walked me through it. Here’s what happened:

SO has spoken on more than one occasion about a store clerk who is always nice and helpful. I never once thought that he was attracted to her, that there was interest, nothing. I’ve trusted him 100%. Last night we were at a friend’s party, and she was there with her husband and they are mutual friends. Suddenly I see her touch his arm as she walks past him, and she glances at him a lot but she also glanced at me. I notice he’s glancing at her along with everyone else seemingly joking about stupid stuff. Now, we are several hours into this drunk fest so I can’t be sure if what I saw was what I saw or if my past was taking over my mind. In 2005 I went out with some friends and xWH’s girlfriend was there and she kept watching me.

Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks...the “other woman” checking me out while knowing she’s with my man and knowing I’m not aware of it.

SO has NEVER given me any reason to question him or his intentions. Ever. In fact, he surprised me for my birthday and had my kids be there; it’s rare to have them all together so it was a gift of love.

I hate that, after 15 years, a painful memory comes face and shoots me in the heart. WTF...

I thought the triggers would be forever gone since I’ve been so incredibly happy with SO and our life. I feel like I have these inner demons in my head that will always be there to keep me on my guard, and I’ll probably get myself some IC just to work through it.

For those pains were over 10 years ago, do the triggers still hit? Asking for a friend. And thank you.

Have you talked to your SO about this? I certainly would, and would gauge his reaction. IMO, this is more than a trigger of your XWH's behavior - the touching/glances between this woman and your SO are inappropriate.

No, I haven't talked to him about it. When we started dating he spoke often of his annoyance with his ex who was jealous of everyone and everything. I've been working extremely hard to not be like and I truly cannot stand feeling insecure. I don't want to become that person who is always afraid, always watching, always wondering. He hasn't given me any reason to, but my insecurities get the better of me. I know I need counseling to deal with past hurts so that they don't affect me.

I'm hoping others who are as far out from Dday as I am can tell me that this is something that will eventually go away.

Oh, and when I mentioned that SO was glancing at her, he was glancing at everyone while telling his stories, so it wasn't directly towards her the entire time although it did happen. And alcohol was in abundance so I don't want to be looking for nothing but also cautious that I'm not really seeing something that could be something, if that makes sense.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 1:01 PM, June 15th (Monday)]

Im sorry you are triggering. My only advice is to trust your gut. It is right about 80% of the time.

Why was his EX jealous? Did he cross boundaries with her and maybe he was proactively building a defense against your queries. That way, if you call him 9n something, he already has a way of gaslighting you. I agree, talk to him about it. But I wonder how his other relationship ended. Now, I am a cynical after my WW's A, so I would vet any potential serious partner. I wanted to know how my former GF's marriage ended and had she cheated, I would have walked.

Been there, done that, not fun the first time.

Have you spoken to mutual friends in a subtle way? Hell, 8 would even go so far as to ask the Ex or one of her friends, but that's just me. I mean, with something as damaged and valuable as my heart, I will play hardball.

Not quite as far out as you as I'm 8 years since divorce and have been with my SO for only about 5 years. I have not had any instances where I was triggered, and my SO has platonic female friends (I am also friends with these ladies).

Is this the first time your gut has screamed at you? It does worry me a bit that it seems like you don't feel comfortable talking with your SO because of the experience he had with his prior partner.

I guess I don’t want to bring it up with him because I don’t want to be that jealous person. He knows I’ve been hurt and would probably understand, but I feel like I shouldn’t be triggering after so many years have passed. And maybe a part of me still blames myself and my insecurities for the failed marriage even though I wasn’t wrong about any of it.

I don’t know exactly why his ex was jealous; he said he had friends that were women but that she didn’t like any of them. His mom said she (the ex) wasn’t pleasant.

Yes, this is the first time Ive triggered with him, and he does have several lady friends as much as I have guy friends. I’ve never felt anything like this before in the time we’ve been together. I don’t like it. My girlfriend did talk with me that night and she kept telling me that it was ok for me to feel hurt from my past but to also remember who my SO is and how much he loves me.

Who knows, maybe after all this time he is slowly growing apart from me and this is how it starts.

So Newlife, if he has sensitivities from his old relationship that you are being careful of and understanding of, shouldn’t he be understanding of yours? Please have a chat with him. Then you will put your mind at ease and know the truth. And he’ll be aware that he should be cognizant of and careful about your triggers. Just like you are his.

Communication - you know it is the key, right?

Yes, BB, communication is everything.

So Newlife, if he has sensitivities from his old relationship that you are being careful of and understanding of, shouldn’t he be understanding of yours? Please have a chat with him. Then you will put your mind at ease and know the truth. And he’ll be aware that he should be cognizant of and careful about your triggers. Just like you are his.

Communication - you know it is the key, right?

BearlyBreathing hit the nail on the head. My SO and I communicate all of the time and we ran into a similar situation early on. He has to be sensitive to your triggers. Talk to him about it.

If you and SO have been together for nine years, and you have no history of irrational jealousy, then it would be a red flag for me if he became upset and defensive over you bringing up your trigger. He should know you well enough to understand that a single instance of concern and insecurity does not mean you're turning into his ex. I would hope that he would also be sympathetic to why this is a sensitive moment for you.

Bear in mind that you also could be reading her better than he is. He might just feel friendly towards her, while she's trying to make a deeper connection. Trust between you means that he should be willing to go on his guard to protect what you have together. You can approach it from that angle if you don't want him to feel accused of inappropriate behavior.

You've built up credit over the course of your long relationship, and I feel you have earned the right to use some of it to set your mind at rest.

you also could be reading her better than he is

I thought about this too. She's been married over 20 years, so I'd like to think she wouldn't step outside of it. But (a) I don't know her, and (b) married people step out...hence the reason most of us if not all of us are here.

We do have a few mutual friends, so I could ask them what she's like. In all honesty she seemed friendly...until I noticed the glances, then my head started to spin.

I really hate that I even look to see if women look at him, I don't know if it's hormonal or what. I've never paid attention to it before, and he's not done anything for me to look. Until the drunkfest.

Well, I did speak to him about it. I told him that her touching him made me uncomfortable, and he said that he wasn’t aware that she had done it. He said he was having fun with everyone and that no special attention was given to her. He understood why it was a trigger and repeated that he didn’t notice it. So at least he now knows how I feel about it and will hopefully be more cognizant of my triggers.

I don’t want to be watching or worried about triggers, and can probably use some counseling. But for now the air is clear.

Thank you everyone for walking me through this, I don’t ever want to go thru infidelity again, not sure how people do it and keep trusting.

I'm glad you talked about it.

Are you feeling better?

I do, thank you. I don't like how the triggers make me feel. Insecurities are something I didn't think I'd have anymore. Oh well, thanks everyone for your input.