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The Healing Library Articles

Recovery / Reconciliation

  • Before You Say Reconcile... Recover - by yearsofpain25
    Before you can reconcile, you need to first recover the M. Here's a post from healingroad that he created that has helped others here. Hopefully this can be of some help to the newbies as well.
  • Three years (and a day) since D-Day - What I Did to Reconcile - by This0is0Fine
    When I found out my wife was definitely cheating on me (and I should have figured it out sooner), my whole world came crashing down. "Somewhere between a nuclear bomb and an earth destroying meteor" is how I described the damage my wife did to our marriage to my friend.
  • What Every WS Needs To Know - by Hufi-Pufi
    They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you'll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don't see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected.
  • Codependency In The Marriage: A BS's Common Mistakes - by Lordhasaplan?
    Given the devastation that is unleashed on our lives in the wake of discovering that our spouse was unfaithful, it's not uncommon to find ourselves holding on and attempting to fix the WS or control the Marital outcome. Codependency, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself.
  • Reconciliation: The Choice - by ChamomileTea
    There's no justice in reconciliation. We're CHOOSING to forego the natural recompense owed to us (divorce) in exchange for keeping the marriage going. We're choosing to forego punishment. The urge to punish is so very strong. It RAGES from every pore of our skin at times.
  • Wayward: The Work - by foreverlabeled
    There was nothing easy about realizing I was the one that’s been holding myself back this whole time and having to admit I've let myself down in the worst way. It was harder to admit that I already knew my character was flawed even before I was cheating. I just didn’t care enough about myself to ask why and what I can do about it. That would take change, and change is hard, right?
  • The Life Boat - by Anonymous
    Reconciling is hard. There is a lot of advice on what to do for the BS and how to help them. This is something that I put together for WS who need to "fix" themselves. "Take what you need and leave the rest."
  • On Risks - by Leo Buscaglia
    To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk being called sentimental. To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
  • Reconciliation the Wrong Way and Reconciliation the Right Way - by Erica
    I can only speak in terms of my own life and my own experiences so don't take what I say as the gospel for your own life. I write this with the background of knowledge that my H had numerous affairs throughout the first 18 years of our marriage.
  • Choosing a Therapist - by Erica
    Here are some excellent questions to ask a potential counselor.
  • Overcoming My Biggest Trigger - by Erica
    I wrote this in Feb of 2002, a few days after Valentines Day and 2 mos before our 3 year anniversary of Rday. It has many significant elements in the story that just might be beneficial to read, whether you are in the beginning stages or the latter stages of healing.
  • Thoughts On Forgiveness - by Erica & Dr. Shirley Glass, Ph.D.
    Here is the simplest definition of forgiveness that we received from our Christian Therapist. Forgiveness means turning away from our own justice and letting God deliver His justice.
  • Sex With Your Spouse After Infidelity - by Erica
    In the beginning our therapist banned sex between my H and I. He said that it would make me feel used. He told us to wait at least a month, then it was up to me. We waited a little over a month. We do not have "sex" anymore...we "make love"...big difference.
  • What the Betrayed and Wayward Must Do to Reconcile - by Erica
    With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.
  • Journal Writings the First Year and Healing Timeline - by Erica
    My H and I are now 3 years past Rday and I have come a long way in my healing journey. I wanted something good to come from my pain and suffering, so I have gone back and retrieved some of my writings from the beginning so that you can see where I was then, compared to where I am now.
  • Rebuilding Trust - by Erica
    As far as trust goes, think of it as a bank account. When infidelity strikes, our spouse not only wipes out the bank account but it becomes overdrawn as well.
  • Labeled the Cheat - by Errin
    have hated the label "Cheat" that my H has been branded following his betrayal to me.I struggled with how I could continue to share my life with a man who was unfaithful and deceived me beyond my comprehension.
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - by Erica
    As someone who was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which was brought on by my horrific discovery on Rday 4/99 I never really understood what the long term ramifications were. I knew that I had immediate symptoms which included temporary amnesia, but I didn't understand that this was a life long alteration in the brain.
  • Midlife Crisis - by Errin
    After collecting myself to some degree I began to scour for reasons of my H's betrayal to me.The shocking discovery left me so baffled as to why this man who I believed was my rock, my better half would jeopardize the life we had worked so hard to reach.
  • The WS's consequences in Reconciliation - by Maureen2002
    I've seen many questions regarding the WS consequences when the BS reconciles with them. Specifically, what are the consequences for WS? If there are none, then does the WS just ‘get away with it?' And if the WS "gets away with it, what will stop them from doing it again.
  • In Spite of it All - by TheWriteGirl
    As tempting as they all sound, I decide instead to label the entire affair a huge quantity of bullshit and just get good, old-fashioned pissed. Instead of living on a combination of antidepressants and Hershey bars, I think I’d prefer to use determination, strength and defiance to attempt to heal myself.
  • Are promises enough? Six Signs of True Repentance - a Christian Perspective - by BB
    How do you know if you or you're partner are on the path of repentance? What does the penitent life look like? How can you tell if someone you love is really changing? People who are serious about change tend to display similar behaviors that let you know they are on the right track.
  • Acknowledging Set Backs and Triggers - by Devoted4ever
    I wish I had a magic formula or words of wisdom I could give to everyone suffering from infidelity. But the truth is it's just plain hard work if the couple wants to reconcile. It can't be just one of the partners doing all the work. It has to be BOTH partners working together to save the marriage.
  • The Role of the WS and Achieving Healing - by Synergy
    Immediately following dday, I did feel like I lost a lot of "rights". I lost the right to privacy of my wallet, car, phone time, computer time, hobby time, personal time and anything else that may have upset my wife.
  • The Plain of Lethal Flatness - by BlindJustice
    It's a fitting title. You're flat, emotionally, in the middle of... nothing. It can be lethal, to your relationship. And to yourself, if you stay there for a long time.
  • A WS's Perspective on the Loss of Innocence in a Marriage and Hope for a New Form of Happiness with Time - by InnocenceLost
    This is a question I ponder in all different degrees...daily. As the FWS I HATE that I have destroyed that euphoric sense of happiness. Strong word HATE....But it is the most accurate account of how I feel. I HATE THIS MESS I GOT US INTO!! I yearn for that "I AM HAPPY WITH YOU AND YOU WITH ME FOREVER" feeling again.
  • Guilt vs Remorse - by FinallyHappy
    They aren't the same thing. They even 'look' different. Guilt looks shady and underhanded. Guilt can't meet your eyes. Guilt has a "your talkin' to me but I'm thinking of something else", absentminded quality to it.
  • Looking Back - by Conflicted04
    I have been thinking lately alot of the real reason why I became a WS many years ago. And to be honest there was no one real reason. Sure we cann have been through I/C and M/C. We have been told from these experts that it was something lacking within us. Or maybe some sort of issue in our upbringing. Past abuse, over bearing parents etc.
  • Compartmentalizing the Affair by the Wayward Spouse - by Vnusmars
    On the one hand, it's a GOOD thing, a self-defense mechanism that our highly advanced human brains have invented to deal with the reality of our complicated lives without going stark raving mad. A great example of good compartmentalizing is how people can react calmly in an emergency - they can put aside the horror and overwhelming fright and pain for long enough to do something about it.
  • Sexual Abuse and Infidelity - by Totaldistaster
    This is from the book...The Sexual Healing Wendy Maltz. These are from the chapter in the book "identifying the sexual impact".
  • The Important Truths About Reconciliation - by Ladybug_Love
    After almost a year of R, I began reflecting on the experience itself and all the ups and downs it brought into our life. It truly is amazing how much can change in such a short time. I have learned many things about marriage, relationships, communication, feelings, co-dependency, and love.
  • Fear - by HotnSpicy_Chikin & StupidMe
    Fear is what holds many people from stepping forward. My belief is to fear, 'fear' itself, as it to often stops us from living life to the fullest. We fear the unknown, but until you step outside your comfort zone, you will not conquer fear.
  • Courage - by HotnSpicy_Chikin & StupidMe
    Regardless of your natural talents or limitations, every one of us is capable of so much more than you can ever imagine. You first have to decide that you’re going to give all you have to give and not stop until you have nothing left to give.
  • Comfort Zone - by HotnSpicy_Chikin & StupidMe
    Our most important rule for life. Of all the rules I try to live by, this is by far what I consider the most important. I believe that nothing of true significance is accomplished while we remain in our comfort zones.
  • What It Means To Keep NC from a WS's Perspective - by Empty2001, Citigirl and ShamefulMale
    It means that I don't have to beat BH home so that he doesn't get nosy on my laptop. It means that I don't have to be uneasy whenever BH and I are apart, wondering what he is doing, what he might have uncovered.
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