SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

.

[This message edited by user4578 at 8:08 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

Just because someone else's trauma seems "worse" doesn't lessen your trauma. Don't be ashamed of what you feel, the book is incredibly helpful for any trauma.

I read the book and -

I didn't perceive any bias regarding the SOURCE of distress to the persons suffering.

Perhaps the folks you mention as subject just happen to be so numerous - then it's easy to use examples for subject matter.
Might read some again to see if there is any mention of study subjects.

Also - (I'm postulating) people who get the short stick in life, (Domestic violence - which often occurs starting in child hood) - read "Miss America by Day" Marilyn Van Derbur Atler

Such an environment can warp ones brain. People who grow up in stressful environment realize(?)- many never, or do late in life, that such behavior is not normal or desired.

For a personal exmaple, I was routinely beaten with paddles, leather belts, large switches - particularly Willow (long, supple so they don't break so easily) - slapped etc. When I got to teenage years I realized I was learning to behave the same and something inside made me change. I eschew violence by one human on another ever since.

I purchased the book Bessel Van de Kolk wrote as I was trying to make peace within myself for all the abuse perpetrated on me by "family." One step I had to take was acceptance that I didn't cause the beatings. The other was to make peace with the memory. And to change my way of looking at current life's situations. "You are responsible for your own happiness."

What motivated you to buy the book? Did you have an idea what the book contained and the Authors background?

For a life example of a person for which the book information applies "in Spades" - get the book "Miss America by Day"

Trauma is different for everyone and yes there are different levels. Finding out you have been betrayed IMO is trauma. At first I thought it was a bit dramatic when our therapist called it trauma but after some research and reading that book I realized betrayal is trauma

The one person you are supposed to be able to turn to when you are hurting is the same person who caused the pain.

IMO it's a great book and does a great job explaining what trauma does to the body and mind.

There are certain degrees of post-traumatic response. The length of time someone is exposed to a traumatic event or situation affects the intensity of the post-traumatic symptoms. For someone who had a singular traumatic event like being held at gunpoint or a singular sexual assault their response might be somewhat less than someone who had a 3 month tour in Iraq. I have done a lot of work with people with PTSD and the response intensity and duration is truly variable. There are also people exposed to severe traumas who don’t develop PTSD. I sincerely hope that your symptoms are more more mild but looking back at some of your posts it looks like you have been very deeply affected understandably.

I think it is an incredible book that gets to the heart of how intensely trauma symptoms are experience in the body itself. There is more research all the time on this subject and many of the best treatments tap into that fact.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 5:24 AM, Sunday, November 3rd]

Recent research has shown that betrayal trauma can cause lesions on your brain similar to those of stroke victims. Stress hormones can do terrible things to your body. Look up broken heart syndrome.

There's always somebody who has it worse than you and others who think you've had it worse than them. Don't down-play your emotions. You need to acknowledge them and work through them.

.

[This message edited by user4578 at 8:08 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

user4578

You seem to be perfectly normal!

I've always looked at or assessed people who do not feel pain from life's woes and missing empathy as borderline psychotic.

After seeing a few bodies in pieces, a soldier or any other serviceman (or woman!) experiences shock and disgust - and their brains start to turn off those emotions. Also, their training is to keep fighting and go past the sights.

Having a spouse you really love and care for to cheat or otherwise treat you badly is a mental stress similar to that of a soldier.
I'm referring to the emotional processing the mind does.

One of the ways to conquer your pain is to talk about it. Ask questions. Ask to be heard (other person listens! and interacts by asking questions about your feelings) when you relate your distress with the way you have been treated.

And the downer - sometimes the desired resolution fails to occur no matter how much people talk about their differences or the pain each has caused the other. That leads to a healing process whereby you remove yourself from the sources of the pain.

The book is well written (my thinking) and requires one to read it like one would when studying for some subject. The Doctor discusses how to work on getting the mind back to normal in the latter half of the book.

I'm glad to read your post and see that your reading is helping you work on your emotions. It is a tough path.

Again - You seem to be perfectly normal!

Might be some help - There is another book published back in the '70s - "I'm OK, You're OK" - you might get some use of it.
Should be able to get a copy cheap - used.

Another - "Lord of the Flies" - it is about how men can devolve into heathens (my word choice!) when they lack some things healthy men have. (even though the book used boys for the message)

Wishing you well!

.

[This message edited by user4578 at 8:08 PM, Sunday, November 10th]

One of my takeaways from reading the book is that the brain doesn't really differentiate between physical and emotional trauma. Trauma is trauma. The biological mechanisms in place react in the same way.

I was shocked at how deeply I was traumatized by my WH's betrayal. I was a physiological wreck from the seemingly constant release of adrenaline and cortisol by my suddenly hypersensitive amygdala. At four months out, I would have divorced my fWH on the spot if it meant the queasy roiling in my stomach would stop. This book helped me to understand that you can't just think your way out of trauma. No amount of ruminating will fix it. We have to work through it in ways that allow the brain to accept and store this new information properly.

My advice would be to stick with it... and to not try and compare your trauma to other people's. Trauma is trauma. Processing yours is just as important to you as it is to anyone else.

If you haven't read it yet, try The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It goes over some of the same ground and applies it to the abandonment wound. Whether we R or D, the infidelity IS an abandonment. Although this book is geared toward people who have been left by their partners, it was probably the most important book I read, particularly in context with The Body Keeps Score. Once we understand the biology of our reaction, it's so much easier to have patience with it.

One of the books I devoured post infidelity was Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder
The Six Stages of Healing (Dennis C. Ortman). Might be another you want to check out. I'm 11 years out, and I read quite a few of the recommended books so I honestly can't remember that much about it specifically. However, it obviously is about exactly what we went through.

I don't think it's productive to play rock, paper, trauma. You have been injured and should be free to use all the tools available to heal. I am going to echo other posters who have talked about life-long abuse. Although not as bad as some, my childhood might be categorized as horrific by some. Regular beatings, psychology abuse, and an attempted stabbing with a kitchen knife. My late mother was a rager.

All of this has left me deeply scarred and I have huge blank spots in my memory. I used to think I had dodged a bullet and come out normal, but my EXWW'S betrayal broke a dam in me, and I flooded. It has taken much work to get even this far. I've used every tool at my disposal.

Know that you are among friends, and you are definitely not silly. You've been betrayed by the one person who specifically vowed not to betray you. That's pretty traumatic.

I read it years ago and yeah it uses data from veteran trauma but probably because that is where most of the studies have been conducted. Not because other traumas are less or present differently.

JustSomeGuy

Wow!

huge blank spots in my memory

I can vividly remember all the things I lived through - no memory blanks.

In a way, I would be thankful if brain could magically erase!!!

Your experiences must have been horrific.