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General :
Don’t want to reclaim what was ‘theirs’.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Notaboringwife (original poster member #74302) posted at 3:02 PM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

Are there other fBS’s that think like me? I don’t want to go to or have anything to do with places that my husband and his fOW went to or traveled to . Like restaurants, entertainment venues, cities etc. etc.
To be specific, places I had never been to with him.
Just the thought of going to those same spots make me feel sick to my stomach. It’s that viseceral. Even going on five years out.

My husband knows this and he’s stopped asking me to join him during his work projects that bring him to the same spots he’d brought fOW. When he’s there I feel relief that I did not go. I don’t miss going to those spots at all. There are many others in this world and in my home city to chose from.

The only places I have gone to are the ones where we had been to before his affair, knowing he had taken fOW there also. This is triggering me for me, but I deal with it.

I think that reclaiming is sort of like a comparison where I have to compete against my husband’s memories. Common sense tells me he has lots of those memories. They travelled and went out extensively.

Well, that way I see it, is let him deal with those memories, I do not want to be in the same places.

We are approaching a milestone birthday for my husband. It’s a trigger for me. Maybe that is why I’m writing about reclaiming. mad

fBW. My heart is scarred.

posts: 371   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8810240
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

Get it. I wouldn’t want to go to those places for fun or anything. Unfortunately I can’t get around some. He let her come to my kids’ school—one of the things I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive—but anyway…I have to go there a lot. All three kids went and the baby is still there now. She’s a 11th grade baby, LOL. This year it bothers me a little less.

The random places I have just avoided. Reclaimed one (a tower on a big hill nearby) last month. I think it kinda helped. I took pictures of myself there. There are like 3 other places I’d definitely need to go. Just debating if it is worth it. I do think that for me it overlaid my memories of the spot. The other 3 places require my husband to join. I think the bigger effect might be on him. It will probably kinda overlay the old memories.

You should do what feels right to you. I felt differently about all these things at 2, 5. 7 and now almost 8 years. Actually though due to TT some of these spots I’ve only known about for a year. The ones I found out about 7 years ago are pretty much non-issues. Except the school, still pisses me off.

posts: 391   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8810255
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 5:18 PM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

Years ago I I went through a particularly traumatic divorce from my first husband. No infidelity, but other issues. The divorce was so traumatic that whenever I went to the city that we used to live - that we still had family there - I used to start to feel panicked, anxious, palms sweaty, heart racing driving there. It seemed like it intensified once I would reach a certain mile marker. It was like this impending doom feeling and I grew to loathe these trips to this town. I did this for years - and then one day I asked my therapist if you could have a PTSD and/or triggers from a place. ABSOLUTELY my therapist confirmed - not only could a place be a trigger, but so could a day of the week, a month, date, anniversary, an activity, etc. It NEVER dawned on that a place, a landmark, a city, a location, could hold me emotionally hostage like that. With WH’s A he brought AP over to OUR HOME for their first tryst. I was conveniently on vacation and this is when the EA moved into the PA phase. I didn’t know about those details until much much later. In fact to make matters so much worse, the house we lived in had previously been a rental home years and years earlier. And the AP had LIVED in that home during her HS years. Talk about a gut punch. I actually found that out about a month after we started to reconcile - and when I found that out, I simply could not live in that home any longer. I hated that house anyway - it was only supposed to be a temporary home after WH retired from the military. That’s why AP felt so comfortable coming to my home to fuck my husband when I wasn’t home. She USED TO LIVE THERE! When WH went NC and blocked her and changed his phone number she went batshit crazy and stalked him, and the me and our son. She knew the whole neighborhood, this is where she grew up. We ended up selling that house and moved across the country. Anyway - to this day I LOATHE going to that town. Absolutely triggers the F out of me. I know that their meet ups were that one time in our home, so the house had to go, the furniture all had to go. She tainted everything- and so he had to buy me new furniture, new home, and new vehicles. They always met in secret somewhere in that town (hotel, her car whatever) - they didn’t "date", he was embarrassed to be seen in public with her so there were no restaurants, no stores, nothing like that. Always under the cover of night, always secretive. However - they did attend the same HS and graduated in the same class. 4 yrs later when we moved back to that area our son went to that same HS. So that was a little bit of a trigger - only because she was associated with that HS in some way. Because of that all of his HS reunions we will never attend. Because she’s usually the person organizing the reunions. LOL

Any memories my WH has with regard to this time period are all negative. Any places or landmarks associated with the A and/or AP are all negative. They reflect a time when he was in great pain, when he inflicted great pain on his family and children, so there are no "fond" memories; just disgust, disappointment, failures.

I think you need to do what feels right for you to reclaim that space. I know I HAD to move from our home. There was no way to reclaim anything good in that house for me, no way for me to feel like this was my "own" space. She once lived there as a child - that did it for me. She also mocked me once about that - that she knew the layout of my home. So yea - had to move.

It’s been 11 years since that A - and I still LOATHE going back to that town for visits. I feel like it still has this hold on me and keeps pulling me back. We have some family still there. And friends. And going and making NEW better memories helps me hate it less LOL. But I think I’ll never ever feel at ease in that town. The whole thing was so traumatic for me.

I wish you the best! I know how hard this part is.

Hugs.

BB

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 5:19 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996 -
DDay#1: 6/1/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month) - DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk) -
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 198   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8810264
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:32 PM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

I am with you. Had no desire to reclaim anything. I refused to compete with anything AP was involved in and what places they were brought to. There was no competition. They were always the losers by default my xWS included. I would chose better/nicer places to go and do things you have never done before.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8827   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8810267
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1345Marine ( member #71646) posted at 3:50 AM on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023

I avoid their places to the best of my ability. Its so triggering. It's like they went EVERYWHERE in our city. Thankfully, nothing in our home. But I even sold the SUV she had sex with him in to the junkyard. That pissed me off so bad. I fixed that thing, did extensive repairs after she had a wreck. And the entire week I spent working on it after work and on my days off, I was repairing their traveling sex mobile. Utterly infuriating. Degrading. I worked really hard so he'd have a place to bang my wife. I can't forget that. Had to sell it.

Even further, back before I knew, wife used to come to my place of work and hang out sometimes overnight. I work nights, basically alone. And a couple of times we wound up having sex while I was at work. It was a complete thrill to me. We tried again after I knew about the affair, and that was the first and only time I've ever had ED. Ever. I couldn't. That's their shit, sneaking around at work. That's what they did together. And without really even thinking too much about it, my body/lizard brain just said, "nope". So not only have "their" places been stolen, but even "their" activities that used to be ours. It's tough. It's just too much to endure sometimes. All the weight of all of it makes me think, "even if she is faithful now, big if, but IF,I wonder if it's worth it even then because so much has been stolen and tainted."

posts: 104   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Eastern US
id 8810337
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 12:59 PM on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023

I'm a mixed bag, about the same distance out as you are. At first, I wanted to reclaim a few of my former favorite spots, particularly one of our favorite bars, because it made me feel strong and it felt like progress. I'm over that now....

I have a bucket list of places and sights in the USA to see, and we have done most of the list together. WH took MOW to San Francisco on a business trip with him and they did all the tourist things which I might have gotten over, but the redwoods - that one really hurts. I will not see them in person in this lifetime. I would have intrusive thoughts the entire time if I tried. I'm not so much protecting myself or playing martyr, but there is an element of abject bitterness about this one. I wanted to go on that trip, but it coincided with one of our kids moving back home so I stayed back to be a good mom and take one for the team. I still think about how I encouraged him to make the most of that trip and was so thrilled he was getting out of the hotel and seeing the sights and having some fun. Four years later I found the trip receipts and realized it was all with her. UGH. The redwoods are ruined for me now. I won't be reclaiming that one, and I doubt I will work on reclaiming anything except agency over my life moving forward.

I thought if we moved far away, to a new, completely different house and life, that I could leave her behind, but her ghost followed us here too. I'm not giving her any more chances to haunt me. Part of my problem is that during their nine year "relationship" she was his pretend wife when he travelled and they played couple all over the place, doing everything we did, just with interchangeable women. It's gross for me to consider, but if I tried to play the reclaim game, I wouldn't have enough years left to do it all.

Milestone events are hard. WH and MOW had birthdays very close to one another and MOW always planned something special for them to celebrate. Ask me how triggery his birthday is for me now..... I found emails between WH and other Married looking to Cheat prospects over the course of the day and night of our 23rd wedding anniversary date night. It is still a sore point with WH that I am no longer invested in celebrating that date with him. I have a bucket of bitterness to work through still....

Good luck with your triggers and the milestone birthday. Here's to new, better places and memories.....

BW: 64 WH: 64 Both 57 on Dday, M 37 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays from 2017 - 2022, with five years of trickle truth and lies. I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, or trying to.

posts: 570   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8810358
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 2:08 PM on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023

I am from the "found out many years later" club so there isn’t much for me to "reclaim" at this point. We have moved away from where the infidelities occurred (across 3 states), the homes she brought them into, the cars she drove, etc. All gone. Many of the places aren’t even there anymore even if we were in the same locations.

I have license plates from our past vehicles on my garage wall and realized a few weeks back I had the personalized plates from the car my WW was driving during her last 2 affairs. So that car would have gone to an APs house, a hotel, etc. So down they came. I didn’t plan on mentioning it. I was just going to take them down and replace them with some others I had on a shelf. My WW saw me and (stupidly) asked me why I was taking them down. My response? "These were from the Whoremobile". She turned and went back inside without another word.

I was on another infidelity site I am a member of and there is a segregated section for only betrayed men. There was a thread about "Things the AP made, gave or used". All the men were talking about how they had destroyed anything and everything the AP had come in contact with (lots of burning, shooting and blowing things up) as being "defiled or tainted" …..here is my post from that thread:

As I was reading through this thread I could empathize with all of this. My WW’s affairs were many years ago and in other places. None of the clothes she wore, the cars she drove, the places they met are in our lives anymore. I have thrown away pictures from times I knew she was cheating (mostly of her). If any of those things or gifts APs gave her were in our life now, I would get rid of them without hesitation. So I am right there with everyone who said throw it away, burn it or shoot it.

Then I got to thinking. If we are all so quick to get rid of any and all inanimate objects associated with infidelity as being "tainted", why are we (and I’m looking inward at me) keeping around the "living breathing biggest trigger of them all"? Aren’t our WW’s even more "tainted" than the inanimate objects? They CHOSE to be defiled, the objects are just objects…..

Now, I realize people are people. But I throw away any and all pictures of her I find from the "cheating times". Why do I keep around "the original and most painful trigger of all"?

Me: BH (61)

Her: UW (60)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 148   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8810363
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 2:54 PM on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023

Can relate to I’m a chump. Nearly all the objects and even some places have been turned over, sold, lost, ended up in the trash etc. The convertible still sits in the garage. It is also a whoremobile. I drive it occasionally with the top down and have enjoyed throwing every item it ever contained out into the air while driving. I realize this is littering but I have done many many beach cleanups so I guess I’m even. My husband was offended that I threw his $300 sunglasses out the window. I didn’t mention that I had crushed them first in my hand. Anyway, thats that.

But his lips are definitely the most tainted object. I don’t resent them when they are forming words, but I do when they are forming kisses.

posts: 391   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8810365
Topic is Sleeping.
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