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Betrayed again


 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 3:19 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I can't really believe I am making this post.

Start off with, no, he didn't cheat again, but he has enormously betrayed me.

Most here know my story: Very problematic attempt and R with no real work being done by him. I moved a month ago and we have been separated, but since then he had been doing a lot of "the work".

So anyway, one thing that I mentioned before is that we were arguing a lot because he had promised to buy a house with me and then didn't do it. It felt to me like a lack of commitment, lack of keeping his word and generally made me feel like I couldn't trust him still. It was the prime reason I left in the end.

I basically felt like "this guy has put me through all of this, and now he can't buy the home we promised to buy together five years ago?". It is what pushed me over the edge to leaving.

So a couple of weeks ago, a week AFTER I had already left, he said to me he was thinking of buying the house. As in, him, on his own. No discussion, no partnership, no consideration of my needs or feelings. So I went completely insane with rage. I was like "so you can't buy the house together, but 30 seconds after I am gone you can suddenly buy it???". It was a huge fight, and I told him buying our dream house without me was a huge betrayal and I would never forgive him for it. He apologised and said it had been a silly idea of something he was doing "for me" in the hope I would "come home". I figured that idea was well and truly scrapped!!! He grovelingly apologised.

Anyway, I mentioned a few days ago we were talking and I was setting out some things I would need to see from him - actions to see he was doing the necessary work and that maybe we could try again. We have had some really close, intimate conversations over the week and I have also provided a lot of support for his ongoing health problems.

I was finally at a point of thinking maybe he was going to finally do it!

Maybe me leaving made him realise he was definitely going to lose me, and he would finally listen to me and give me everything I need! I even went to bed feeling a little hopeful the last couple of days! WE even discussed the future and where we might buy our house and so on.

Anyway, he confessed tonight:

He bought the house.

He bought the FU***NG house.

After that conversation where I went nuts over him even discussing it, he went to view it, he made an offer, the offer was accepted and now he has bought a FU**ING house without even discussing it with me.

After I outright told him I would consider that an unforgivable betrayal that showed he was happy to commit to buying a house, but just not together, and that it was OUR dream house and he needed to sort himself / us out first and then build on a SHARED future that we both agreed. When I said it, he listened, he apologised, he told me he loved me, and then he went and bought the FU***NG house anyway.

And worse, he lied about it all week too.

When he sent the message I was sent right back in time to when I got the text message to say he was having an A.

I almost couldn't breathe.

Lied to, duped, betrayed AGAIN.

After I had outright told him I would be devastated by this, he did it anyway. And it dawned on me how I used to do that with the AP. I would cry, beg, tell him PLEASe do NOT break NC because it will destroy me - and each time he big fat went and did it anyway.

I put it down, then, to him clearly being in the middle of a mental breakdown and probably in the fog a bit too, but now there is no excuse.

I have a spouse who genuinely just does whatever he wants and doesn't think about how I feel or what I want.

I am really just feeling like I am experiencing another DDay.

I have packed all his stuff up out of my house. I have smashed every picture of us into the garbage and I have had a garden bonfire of all our sentimental stuff and memories.

It is like DDay all over again, and after all this time of me trying so hard and all his excuses I am just broken.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8810087

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:23 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023


I can totally believe this. Sounds so much like my WH whenever we agree to do something different "the next time," after his independent behavior has offended me. He will almost always 'forget' we discussed how to avoid repeating that scenario and so the next time, his independent behavior continues, same as always.

It is as though he cannot retain any message about how to operate as a team player, and attain some mutually satisfying solution. It always has to be whatever he decides at that moment is in his own interest. Maddening!

"Failure to generalize" is a huge problem in ASD with learning, as you know. Sorry to say it is life with these guys, I'm living it, and I get so irked when every day to him is a brand new day, starting over with no carry-over acquired skills.

So if you are pissed off now, just keep building on this broken foundation and you will find yourself a very unhappy person; look up "Cassandra Syndrome." Please don't go that route! You deserve the reciprocity you have asked him for as a condition of getting back together. So this is his answer? Please read the tea leaves.

I was noticing how you tried hard to defend him a few days ago when another poster told you 'this is who he is always going to be.' From my vantage point of over 30 years with such a personality, and from having suffered multiple D-Days, I agreed that was the spot-on advice you'd asked to receive. But you were in bargaining mode with the grief of ending this relationship, and didn't seem to accept it.

It seemed as though you were working way too hard to salvage this by pressuring him into what you want your ideal partner to be like (so you can have your valid expectations met). We tend to do that after betrayal. But I'm betting this guy cannot or WILL not be the partner you want him to be, full stop! He might say he could be or wish he could be, but his repeated actions are screaming louder than his words, are you starting to see that?

Rather than being furious about this latest (and I've so been there, believe me!) can you reframe this "going behind your agreement" as the last piece of evidence you need, in order to convince your heart he is incapable of acquiring the minimum relationship skills you deserve?

Or are you going to listen to his convoluted, agonized explanations for why he 'didn't mean to hurt you,' and keep on hoping and trying?

posts: 1860   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8810090

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 4:29 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

This time I really get it

Everything you just said was completely accurate.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8810091

Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 4:56 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

"Failure to generalize" is a huge problem in ASD with learning, as you know. Sorry to say it is life every day is a brand new day, starting over with no carry-over acquired skills.

….what she said. You know it. I get that you are so sad. So disappointed. So betrayed. I can’t give advice here. Just cant. I can’t figure out exactly what to do with my own situation so it would be presumptuous to give you advice. But, wow. I am so sorry that happened. Do you know yet what you want to do?

You spoon fed it to him. He was incapable of hearing it. Can you really live your life this way. At this moment you’re probably feeling lonely and miss your bond. This has got to be the hardest part. Is he your person?

Today on the radio was that dumb song that goes "if the world was ending you’d come over right?" It’s about a couple who are NOT together but she still thinks he’s her person—or he still thinks she is his person. Either way there is no one else they would go to if the world was ending. I got very stuck right there.

I think you either run like the wind — only do a drive by for the grandmother’s funeral or you try to accept him for the mess that he is. But limbo is killing you. Either way you are devastated at the moment and I guess that is the important thing. I’m sorry. Can it be fixed in any way or is this unfixable? If the magic fairy could wave her wand what you want to have happen now. Even thought the house is already bought?

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 9:58 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

posts: 279   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8810093

Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 5:18 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

"the Heart is long, very long in receiving the convictions that is forced upon it by reason."

— Abigail Adams

posts: 279   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8810095

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 11:27 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Confused, I've got a tuumping headache so I'm not filly there right now.

He offered to sign half the deeds to me.

He said I could come and see it, get the keys with him, move in with him together, that he wanted it to be "ours", that I could pick all the furniture.

When that failed he said he will call Monday and pull out of the sale.

None of it makes a difference.

He lied to me.

He made a major life choice against my will.

He outright did something I told him would really hurt me.

He did all that when I'd left and he should have been taking to a therapist and not an estate agent.

I'm done with the marriage.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8810103

OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 12:00 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I reread many of your posts to get a sense of things again. I see similarities to myself, and that always makes me want to respond. So here are my thoughts...

Moving away is symbolic, but where you really struggle is letting go. You've been with your WS for five years and lived far apart for several of them, so moving away from him has done nothing to sever your attachment. You two "do" long distance in a relationship pretty well, therefore, you need to go NC with him, not talk every day like you've been doing. You need emotional distance because the physical distance is merely symbolic and doing nothing.

What you really want is for him to be different than who he is. His house purchase is reality slapping you in the face: this is who he is. Please go NC so that you can get some space to see that he is not capable of being different. Your wanting it does not change that fact.

You talk about your great life and friends, and I believe you. But you are really struggling to let go of this man who is dragging you down. Speaking of his other great qualities is the exact way that good people stay in bad relationships. You need IC and guidance. Do you have a good IC? You already lost one job and one house after months of lying on the couch, so please don't make it two. Take care of your mental health. Let an IC help you figure out why you can move away but can't actually let go. Let an IC help you to feel strong in staying NC.

Keep NC to stop hearing his words. Block his texts. Words mean nothing. He says one thing but does something else. You continually ask why, but does it matter? That is who he is! A man who says one thing but does another. Every time. You need to stop reading, researching, and talking to him in an effort to understand and fix. It's time to accept. Many of us want to fix rather than accept. We love the idea of our capable selves not giving up. But guess who carries the heavy load and often gets burned anyway? Us fixers. It's time to save yourself. Accept the truth of who he is and what he is capable of and save your own self from this burden and pain. NC will do that for you.

You asked in one of your earliest posts if you had caused your own pain by not leaving long ago, by sticking around for attempts at R. I have asked myself the same thing too because I have many of your same qualities. If you stay with him now, after he has shown himself quite clearly, then Yes, you are causing yourself pain. You have to find a way to let go of him and the way he hurts and disappoints you. OR you have to know and expect the hurt and disappointment if you stay (almost impossible). He will not think of your needs. He cannot think of your needs. His other qualities don't negate this truth. (My H is also on the spectrum.) He may say that he will do differently, but you already know that he says things that he doesn't mean.

At a certain point, we all need to look at our WS and say, "Do I accept this person without judgment, without attempts to change them or resentment if they don't?" Because THAT is our job as a healthy spouse. If the answer is truly Yes, then it can be a good M. If our answer is an honest No, then we are not taking care of ourselves and our own happiness if we stay anyway.

Time to take care of you. The grief will come soon, and more than that, the desire to question, rant, explain, and fix your WS's thinking will overwhelm you. Resist! Break the pattern. Let him be who he is and get his house. Detach from the desire to understand or fix. Stay NC! Focus on your own life from now on. Put all that energy into you. It will feel so much better than the cycle you have been in for 3 years.

Good luck. I know it hurts, but you can do this. You can break free and take care of you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:10 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5829   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8810105

Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 1:25 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I am so sorry MCC, this tells you everything you need to know.

I remember post dday, we’re talking within days, I explained to my WH how discarded I felt and how I needed to see commitment to US and our marriage to start believing he meant when he said he did not want to lose me.

Besides certain smaller commitment actions, WH proposed we brought forward a plan we had to buy a holiday home in Europe as evidence of his commitment. We bought our house 7 months post dday 2 and it was one of the best things we did. Besides offering us a healing, not tainted, environment, something new, a new bond, it showed me how committed he was to our recovery long term.

I’m sorry, I would say it is time for you to move on, this wasn’t a "mistake", you specifically told him where you stand in this matter.

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1789   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8810108

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 1:33 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I feel like I've been cheated on again. I'm really struggling today.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8810111

InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 1:37 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I’m so so sorry for you, MCC.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Max Plank

posts: 1199   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8810112

SerJR ( member #14993) posted at 3:02 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I'm sorry minty...

He's showing his true colours here, believe what he's telling you.
What he did was show complete disregard for your feelings and needs to be a partner in the decision making and he thought he knew better. And this was a major decision, not something even remotely trivial.

While I'm inclined to give people second chances because I truly believe they can change, if they continue to make selfish decisions - when their behaviour has been exposed to themselves and they can no longer try to rationalise or deny it or hide it from themselves - then they are doing it fully knowing the pain it will cause. This is much deeper problem than 'just making a stupid mistake' - it is something deeply rooted in him and in how he relates to other people.

You have every right to feel betrayed and hurt by this. He made a major decision against your wishes and he lied to you about it. Period.

Right now I think it's important to spend some time with yourself to think about what you want and what you need. As you know, the 180 is a great method for this, where you can take what you need to focus on yourself and respecting those needs. If he's not capable of providing you with the basic and reasonable respect that you deserve in a relationship, you'll have to decide if you're willing to put up with that or not.

Try to do something little for yourself today - take a hot bath, go for a walk to clear your head, listen to some music, whatever. Just do it for you. One step at a time.

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18627   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 8810121

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:23 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I feel like I've been cheated on again.

I think you have definitely been betrayed and cheated on. As bad as you feel, your feelings seem normal to me.

I'm really struggling today.

Yes, of course. You have to choose between truly ending your M and deciding to stay with someone who seems unable to be a good partner. That's a terrible choice to have to make.

Love is not enough to make a marriage good for both partners. crying

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:24 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29261   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8810130

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 4:52 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

a week AFTER I had already left, he said to me he was thinking of buying the house. As in, him, on his own. No discussion, no partnership, no consideration of my needs or feelings.

Whatever good qualities he has (and I know he does cus no one is a total shit, mine wasn't either), the above is who he really is at his core operating level. And it doesn't matter if it's because he's on the spectrum or if it's because he's just a selfish manchild, your relationship with him will never be equal (and I suspect really never has been). If you stay with him, the emotional heavy lifting will always be on you. You deserve an equal partnership mint.

So my advice from a few days ago I'll reiterate here. Go NC. Full NC. No calls, no messages, no emails, no sm messaging, no telegrams, notes in bottles, passenger pigeon scrolls, NO CONTACT AT ALL. NC = no new hurts.

That will suck. It will be painful. It will make you feel all sorts of conflicting emotions. Do it anyways.

Think of it like emotional surgery. When you get a surgery, you know that it's going to hurt, but you also know that the hurt is necessary for the healing. It's kinda like that. You need to give yourself the mental and emotional distance you need here to be able to focus on you and what you want and need, not for your M, not for R, but for YOU. Not what you need from him, but what you need from yourself. For empathetic giving people that feels really weird at first, but it's a necessary step to learn to honor your needs and to be able to set healthy boundaries. I struggled with it too Mint so I know it's hard.

Some other advice....
1. Change his name in your phone to something that reminds you who he is. Mine was Idiot Cheating Fucking Arsehole (I had no other I names in my phone so I didn't have to worry about mixing up messages), maybe yours is Selfish House Bandit or Lying Liar who Lies. Just saying when I still did have to talk to mine about divorce related stuff, it helped me immensely mentally to see his new name coming through - it reminded my big forgiving soft heart who we were dealing with.

2. Anytime you start feeling soft towards him, come back and read your initial post on this thread and remind yourself that he does not honor you. He doesn't honor your wishes, he doesn't honor your reasonable requests for truth, he hasn't done any of the work for years that you needed him to. And after you leave he's supposedly all in on doing that work, but instead pulls this bullshit and lies to about it, once again demonstrating a shocking lack of care for you. He's showing you who he is, as he has done for years. Please believe him now.

3. It is okay to love people from afar. It's ok to love people and still not have them in your life. It's ok to love yourself more. It's ok to let others sink or swim on their own when trying to help them hurts you. You do not need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Hang in there Mint. The initial days and weeks of NC are REALLY FUCKING HARD. But it does get easier the more you stick with it. And besides easier, it gets more peaceful. I cried myself dehydrated in the days/weeks after separation even though I KNEW it was the right choice for me. But as my tagline says, "the love that you lost wasn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone". My M and false R cost me a lot, but the price was worth it for the freedom and peace I have now. I want that for you too.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3899   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8810133

Onebrokenman ( new member #83661) posted at 5:55 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

wow, maybe I'm the only one who view it as a good way to win you back? I don't know your back story, don't know if you guys married or not....

He just wanted to surprise you, fulfill your dream!! He's willing to give you half of it, do whatever you want with it. And if you don't like it, he's willing to call it off.
That's how I see it from this post.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2023
id 8810141

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:20 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

That's how I see it

Well,you're a man currently cheating on his maybe that's why you don't get it.

Win her back?? Yeah,no. You don't throw money around,and think that's going to heal ANY damage caused by infidelity.

This is a woman who offered the gift of Reconciliation, and all she asked was what ALL BS ask of their the work to become a safe partner. THAT is the only way to heal.



I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6172   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8810145

HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 6:22 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023


Truly I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you can see exactly what you are dealing with.

Having an affair is unforgivable right? Most people in committed relationships know this, how often do we say things like "if you cheat on me I’ll never forgive you?". Probably not often. It is known. They do it anyway because it’s what they want.

Here you told him explicitly what you felt and needed, and he did the same thing. You absolutely have the right to feel like he cheated again, it’s the same mentality/behavior.

When I told you last post to focus on you, this is what I meant by he’s not going to change. You can’t heal with him because you are giving so much to him that you are losing yourself. End the marriage or don’t, I will not tell you what is best in that case. I am telling you to focus on yourself without him because you are not healing. I strongly encourage you go completely NC. For you. To take him out of the picture and focus on what you want and to be happy with yourself.

He has shown you who he is. He may change, he may not. It’s deeply rooted into him clearly. You have to answer if you can be with who he is. Not who you want him to be, not the idealized version you thought he was. That’s part of the difficulty of R. Losing our beloved version of our spouse and seeing the full picture. It’s very common.

I wish you peace and healing MCC.

Me mid 40s BH
Her mid 40s WW
1 year EA/PA

"Just" a friend.
in R, getting by

posts: 99   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8810146

Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 6:24 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

He just wanted to surprise you, fulfill your dream!! He's willing to give you half of it, do whatever you want with it. And if you don't like it, he's willing to call it off.

That's how I see it from this post.

Perhaps you have missed the part where the OP clearly stated how she feels if he buys the house ALONE, it looks like there is no partnership to her and it would massively hurt her feelings. And then he went and bought it. Is this a normal behaviour to you?

ETA: no matter how emotionally inept a cheating spouse is, surely they understand that STILL making decisions on their own, ignoring the betrayed spouse post dday is a big No-No.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 6:28 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1789   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8810147

Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 6:43 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I understand how you feel. My EX-H was similar to your H. He would come home with a new car without me ever laying eyes on it. Once he actually made an offer on not one, but two historic buildings. One was residential and the other commercial, and then called a real estate agent to list our home, which I loved and didn't want to leave. The first couple who looked at it made an offer of full price and I was crushed. Fortunately (sort of) the deal fell through because the couple wasn't really a couple. It was a married guy and his mistress, and his wife found out so he backed out.

It was infuriating. I felt invisible. The fact of the matter was that he didn't see our marriage as a partnership. I was there to function as his facilitator of all his wild schemes, cooking, cleaning and working full time. I made just as much money as he did, but he saw himself as the master of his universe and didn't feel I was owed a vote in what we did with OUR money. His affair was just another manifestation of how he viewed marriage. He actually told friends that he had every right to have more than one woman if he could afford it. It never occurred to him he was affording her on my income. The only thing he ever thought about was what he wanted to do or buy today.

We divorced and he married the OW. And he never changed. He spent them blind. He died a year ago and they were on the verge of filing for bankruptcy the year before. He would never have changed because this was who he was, and no lists, self help books or anything else would ever change it. In time I came to see that my life would have been miserable if I had stayed with him. OW did me a favor. My life is wonderful.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8810151

Onebrokenman ( new member #83661) posted at 6:46 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Again, that's how I see it. Maybe I'm wrong.
Why are some people so salty? Just shut people down like that on the Internet forum. Sounds like I can't give advices, can't say what I think because of who I am.
Good luck to you all

posts: 20   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2023
id 8810152

 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 7:11 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Thanks everyone. I am sorry I haven't responded much, I feel weirdly traumatised. I know this isn't the same as being cheated on but it feels a lot like it, so thank you for being able to understand that.

I haven't spoken to him today. He sent a message saying he has booked IC and will completely commit to it, and that he is sorry blah blah. He said he'd stop the purchase if I didn't want it.

I haven't replied. None of it is the point. The act of doing it tells me I don't have a safe partner.

I feel just terrible. Blinding headache.

Thanks for being there.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8810155
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