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It's been seven years since D-day. Things are better, but...

Topic is Sleeping.
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 WillItEverBbetr (original poster new member #60988) posted at 2:53 AM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

I once read somewhere (maybe here) that it takes 2-5 years to get over being betrayed by an affair. We're at seven years now and I can honestly say things are better. At least, they seem to be better. However, every now and then my wife will do something that sends red flags up and all I can think about is if she's doing something again. Maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe I'm not. It's been years since I have mentioned anything about the affair because I don't want to be the guy who keeps pulling that card for little or no reason. I just avoid the subject and try to enjoy life and our marriage.

Here are a couple things that she did back in '15 and '16 when she was cheating (long distance affair):

1. She lost a lot of weight and was dolling up more and looking great.

2. She would come to bed late at night, long after I had already hit the sack and fallen asleep.

Here we are, and she has lost a lot of weight again and looking absolutely awesome, especially for a woman of 48. She's down to her wedding day weight now and it's quite incredible. She's also making it a habit of coming to bed late again, well after I'm asleep. Now, those two things in a vacuum wouldn't make me wonder, but with her history, I am, in fact wondering. She went out tonight on her own to do some clothes shopping, so I'm here with the kids. Of course, the entire night I'm sitting here, wondering if something's going on.

Maybe I'm being overly suspicious, but who's to say?

In the couple of years after finding out, I always looked forward to year four or five with the hope that I would be 100% past the infidelity and never be concerned about it again, but maybe that's just not how it happens for some people. Maybe the thoughts of renewed betrayal will always be lurking below the surface and be released when something triggers them. I could live with that...as long as I knew she was "clean."

Anyway, just showing up to talk and hear back from people.

Married 1998
Five children
D-day 9/11/16
Affair lasted one year

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2017   ·   location: CT
id 8809992
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:10 AM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

Time doesn’t heal the pain.
It’s the work you BOTH do – individually and as a couple – that heals the pain, if done for 2-3 years until it becomes a standard part of your ongoing marriage.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12483   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8809994
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Sincity ( new member #83901) posted at 3:16 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have any advice to offer you, just wanted you to know you have support here.

BW
Taking it one day at a time

posts: 29   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2023
id 8810030
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:11 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

Along the lines to which Bigger refers to, what did you do to heal? What did she do to change from cheater to good partner? What did you both do to heal your M?

I'm concerned by your comment about avoiding subjects. That sounds like rug-sweeping, which may make a problem seem to go away but actually just lets a problem fester and grow.

WRT now, I think your best bet is to ask your W about her behavior.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30048   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8810033
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 4:25 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

There is no time limit to healing after affair. Yes you can’t bring up the affair as a trump card for any fight or disagreement that is just normal marriage stuff, but you can absolutely still be hurt by it. Don’t expect your wife to be a mind reader. Tell her what you are feeling and why. You have a right to be suspicious, she has proven herself that she can cheat/deceive etc. I can’t say what she is doing is a red flag, but for sure if you don’t know where she is at/doing that would make
me uneasy.

I don’t expect my WW to brief me her daily schedule, but I do expect to know who/where because of transparency. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Confront her, tell her what and why you are feeling. It may be innocent. You should be able to tell by her reaction. If it’s defensive, accusing you of being controlling and the like, then your red flags should go way up. If that’s the case, it’s up to you if you want to go back into Affair detection mode again.

You have power and choice here. You don’t have to stay regardless. Nothing will change if you don’t take action no matter what.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 502   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8810035
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3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 1:07 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Ten years out, myself, to the day. Today is d-day.

What she is doing is totally suspicious, and I’d start looking at her phone, etc.

In fact, I’d say- your recent weight loss and clothes shopping and checking out from me at bedtime is triggering me, and is reminiscent of behavior you did during your affair. Prove to me you are not cheating again.

Then wait, and see what she does. If she gets defensive, this is a red flag.

I have told my husband that HE chose to stick around, he could have left. But instead he’s with this glorious beast of a bitch whom he left hobbled by his affairs. And if that’s a problem, there’s the god damned door. Use it. Otherwise, he can answer my questions without defensiveness,

What she is doing is concerning. You’re not imagining things.

posts: 753   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8810073
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SerJR ( member #14993) posted at 3:50 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Other posters have hit the nail on the head.

Healing takes work + time.
Healing your relationship is not something one partner can do alone.
Just because things have gotten better, doesn't mean both partners can stop working on themselves and their relationship.

Yes, her behaviour is suspicious given her past behaviours. That doesn't mean there's anything nefarious going on, but your feelings are perfectly valid considering. I would also ask your wife about her behaviour and explain how its making you feel. If her heart is in the relationship she won't be defensive and will understand how you're feeling.

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18627   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 8810126
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:28 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Now, I realize I never R in my M, so take my advice for what it's worth or flush it.

This is a tricky situation, because confronting could alienate her or drive her behaiour further underground. But IMHO, if she is truely remorseful, she will be apologetic for having originally betrayed you and caused you to be in this headspace and then make every effort to be transparent and supportive. That's only if she isn't cheating or playing with the idea.

The subconscious mind is a powerful thing. You don't have to read much on this site to come to the conclusion that hunches are often right, even if we are a biased group. I remember reading somewhere that research has confirmed that intuition is actually quite accurate. It's like the "ick" response we feel when speaking to a stranger who later turns out to be psychopathic. Our subconscious picks up on the subtle predatory cues while our consciousness mind seeks to discount them as being irrational.

My advice is to approach this on two fronts. First, don't confront your FWW but do speak to her about your concerns, not that she might be cheating, but that you feel she might be going through something and it is impacting your feelings of intimacy. I'm a firm believer that spouses should go to bed together when practical. Pillow talk is a bonding activity and reinforces and deepens the relationship. By the way, is your intimate life healthy? Still the same frequency?

Second, (and this might anger some) I would discreetly examine things. Look at phone records, credit/bank statements, clean out the car and look for a burner phone. Yes,this might be a betrayal of her trust, but married people (typical) deserve to have privacy, not secrets. (Vets chine in if I'm off base here) By engaging in her A originally, she by default, has given up the right to full pre-A trust. She has shown herself to be one who kept secrets in the past,so that means she is fully capable of it now. For you, it's trust, but verify...

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8810136
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 WillItEverBbetr (original poster new member #60988) posted at 6:27 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Ladies and gents, I appreciate the responses. All of them. I want to make it clear if I didn't do a good job of it in my first post, but things have been pretty good for a while. I believe my wife took steps in her life to make things right for our marriage and our family. Intimacy has been ok overall (not awesome, but awesome is a high bar) too.

I'm in a weird spot right now. My wife has lost a LOT of weight and genuinely looks incredible (and yes, I tell her that), and for that I'm obviously quite thankful and happy. She fits into clothes she hasn't worn in years (since the affair). However, while I marvel at her, I also remember the last time she lost a lot of weight and worked on her body. That "remembering" makes we wonder....

Then we have the deal with me going to bed alone every night, which is exactly what she did during the affair, too. That part gets me more than the weight loss, as it really limits "close" time, and I don't only mean physical intimacy. For years, our best time together was just laying in bed at the end of the day and chatting about everything going on in our lives.

One of the biggest red flags from the affair was her guarding her phone like it was Fort Knox. I do not see any of that now, so there's that.

So, I'm torn.

Married 1998
Five children
D-day 9/11/16
Affair lasted one year

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2017   ·   location: CT
id 8810148
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SerJR ( member #14993) posted at 6:38 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Well, the weight loss can be because she's made an effort to being healthier. It's not necessarily a bad thing on its own, but again, I do see how it can be triggering. The fact that she's not guarding her phone is a good thing. It still doesn't hurt to do a little checking to see what's going on.

It sounds like the (emotional) intimacy at night is bothering you the most. Again, this could be just circumstance, but at the same time if it is, you don't have to feel neglected in your marriage. If it's bothering you, you need to talk with your wife and let her know how you feel about wanting that connection and about the fears lurking in the back of your mind. If you can't be open and vulnerable with your wife, then you're not honouring your needs and her need to understand where you're coming from.

Either way, things aren't going to change if you don't make a change. You have nothing to lose by addressing issues you see in your relationship.

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18627   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 8810149
Topic is Sleeping.
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