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Newest Member: BlusteryDay

Reconciliation :
A season….7 years after Dday

Topic is Sleeping.

 GodWillRestore (original poster member #59424) posted at 10:31 PM on Friday, September 29th, 2023

Reflecting more than I’d like to be as I approach 7 years from Dday next week.
A season unfortunately included our anniversary and WH birthday.
While we’ve made strides in R after his PA, things like this are still soured by what happened.
I suppose just looking for support from those who have special events in the midst of A season and how to keep moving forward reclaiming those dates….

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2017
id 8809971

SatyaMom ( new member #83919) posted at 12:14 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

I have same concerns== the "season" inlcuded a college gradation and celebration and a family answers just you are not alone

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 26th, 2023   ·   location: East Coast
id 8810017

Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 12:51 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

Mine included anniversary, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas (spent dinner with OW and her family-ick), New Years, and Valentines Day. It just sucks all around.

The only thing I can recommend….that worked/works for me….is creating new memories. Create new traditions. One year I ordered us matching Christmas pajamas. I thought that was supremely silly before the A…but it was something little. Instead of the usual holiday meals, I found new recipes. Made duck instead of turkey, etc. We both like to cook, so it was something we could work at together. Travel helped/helps me. Make plans for things you can look forward to during A season. We made a list of things we wanted to do together and started ticking them off. When I’m low, I leave that to FWH. He finds things that I can look forward to and reminds me that he’s scheming and planning to do those things with me.

I’m sorry you’re here. You’re not alone in this pain. It is the worst.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 438   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8810020

Cry421 ( new member #83867) posted at 3:16 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

It’s been 4 years since my DD. And I’m a believer in taking those occasions around DD and making new memories. Shortly before DD we had an extended family vacation with my family to Orlando. After DD I figured out all those times in Orlando he had been "on Facebook " he was really texting her and the times he volunteered to go run errands, "you stay here with your family", was just an opportunity to call her.
I told him that trip will be forever tainted in my book, no mater how much fun I had, because of his actions. A couple years into recovery he wanted to plan a get away for us and I said I want to go to Orlando to make new memories to replace the bad ones I had. We had a great time. And now when I think of Orlando, I won’t lie the old memories still pop up, but I try to quickly replace them with the memories of the time he and I were stuck in Orlando for an extra 3 days because there was such a bad snowstorm back home they had to close the airport. It wasn’t fun at the time but now we can look back together and laugh.
Some memories you can’t re-do. DD was also the 1st anniversary of my mother’s passing. That will never change. So I try to think of only my mother on that day.
The bad memories will always be there. The DD anniversary will always be a date on the calendar in my head. But I am trying to train my brain to look at the bigger picture, not just narrowly at the affair. There is so much more to my life.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Columbia, Illinois
id 8810029

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:32 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

Our anniversary, the holiest days in our year, Thanksgiving with my 90+ year old mom, our son, then-DIL and 3 week old GS. Too much good stuff to try to forget.

We're in the middle of A season now, but that really didn't register with me until I read your post. I remember my GS at 3 weeks, but I had forgotten the A season.

For me, the way to heal included a lot of self-talk around being OK whatever our outcome was going to be, around the A being my W's failure and not mine, and around the A being part of life story, but only a part.

Good luck, and have some faith in yourself!

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29258   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8810036

Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 8:03 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2023

I fully understand what you’re feeling my 4 year DDay anniversary will be 10/4 and my 9 year wedding anniversary 10/11. I was doing ok until the begging of September.

I don’t have much to offer in support only to say it’s hard and keep going.

posts: 259   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8810053

forestfirepine ( new member #82479) posted at 3:40 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I get it. D-day was 3 days before my birthday so yeah. I’ll have my first birthday since disclosure this November. Dreading it so much. Our anniversary is tomorrow and we don’t plan on celebrating. I used to love celebrating our anniversary and I was so proud of our relationship. Don’t have words of advice. Just … you’ve been heard and it sucks and I’m sorry.


posts: 38   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2022   ·   location: Minneapolis
id 8810089

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:30 AM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

I suppose just looking for support from those who have special events in the midst of A season and how to keep moving forward reclaiming those dates….

It will soon be 7 YEARS of an authentic M...that's GOOD smile . Another GOOD thing is something I read a while back. EVERY cell in our body is completely NEW at about 7 NOTHING that the adultery co-conspirator touched on my H was the same after 7 years grin !

My birthday was during A season. My H had his A while he was we weren't together for my birthday. But I found out he was not with the adultery co-conspirator for my birthday either. That eased things a bit. My H makes my birthday very special every year now so that is definitely a PLUS smile . birthday wasn't his priority before his A. I honestly didn't mind...but NOW that he does make it a priority...I realize how much it means that he does that!

As others have H and I would create new memories and even new traditions to combat memories from A season. The old memories do creep up at times...just like ANY other traumatic event. But I could easily change my mindset to what WE did during those times and it worked very well for me smile .

I have to say Dear Lady...that just looking for ways to reclaim those dates...or OWN them as I like to showing your HEALING smile !! It takes some of us a little whatever you are are doing GREAT grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6557   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8810187

Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 6:16 AM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

I’m in the 7 year club too! (Actually 7.5 years)

Feeling really good tonight because we had a really long talk and that seems to help me release so much of the pain.

I loved what WTBHA said about the human cells. I had never thought of that. I can understand hitting a low point, it feels like it comes in waves, but thank god they subside.

I work with a lot of people with PTSD - from all kinds of things, not usually infidelity. But dates are huge!!! It is really amazing the way the body remembers. It’s truly incredible.

I made my first real foray into the "reclaiming" thing a month ago. I went to this tower they had gone to before the thing became physical. I was terrified and I had to hike up a big hill to get there. I took pictures of myself there with the tower in the background. I feel pretty good about it. I look kinda better than usual in the pictures. Maybe I should post them on Facebook. LOL. I will not be doing that.

But it did help me. There are three other places I need to go. I would need to go with my husband because the locations are inexact without him there to say this is where it happened. He has offered and wants to do it. I’m not quite ready. One of them is a big hike, really steep, and I am afraid I will become winded and that would be a little tough on my self-esteem because she was a huge runner and I’m sure was not winded. Kind of silly. I do have some good qualities she does not to be sure.

Anyway, virtual hugs to you. Hang in there

posts: 279   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8810204

BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 12:45 AM on Saturday, October 7th, 2023

Hi @GodWillRestore I have to say amen to your username, I like it :). So happy for you that you've made strides going forward after the PA and I hope and pray that your R will be a true and lasting one.
I think your reflections are normal and being able to give yourself grace in the periods leading to special events in your marriage that has been tainted after the A is important however please try not to dwell on it too much.

I understand it might be hard sometimes but I just want to encourage you to be intentional around this period to focus on how far you've come in your R journey and the new loving memories you are creating together. It might also help if you share with your H how you're feeling and discuss ways to make those special events more memorable.

"forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal.." this is a verse that I find encouraging and helpful to keep moving forward in life.

Wishing you all the best for the future.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8810888
Topic is Sleeping.
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