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I don't really know what to do or how I feel. I've been cheated on and lied to in just about every relationship. When I started dating my significant other 4 years ago I told her about my trust issues. A few years ago I caught her cheating through snapchat. It took some time but I forgave her. In October 2022 I found out she was again talking to other guys on social media and sending/receiving photos and videos. I confronted her and she ended things. This is where it gets difficult... We haven't been "dating" since October of last year but we still live together because we are unmarried and bought a house together. We also have a daughter together and each have a child from a previous relationship. She had a boyfriend for awhile between October and now. A few months ago she wanted to try to work things out. I told her that I don't know if I want to because she has already caused so much hurt. I ended up telling her that I'd give her a few months for her to prove to me this is what she wants and to try to regain some of my trust. In the last 3 months I caught her twice talking to other guys on snapchat then she lied about it. I told her I was done and wanted her to move out. She begged and cried and threatened to kill herself.. "If we can't be together then there's no reason for me to be alive anymore". I kept telling her no for days and days and she wouldn't stop crying and begging. I told her I'd think about it and that she has alot of proving to do while I'm thinking. She immediately deleted all social media on her phone and she has been acting more affectionate and respectful towards me. She has also started therapy and told me she came to the conclusion that she has cheated on me on social media all those times because she was always the ugly duckling growing up and had no friends, so now she craves and is addicted to attention from others and to feel wanted from others.. which baffles me because I have always gave her constant attention and treated her like a queen. She wants to do couples therapy and try to work through this and be together. I just don't know what to do. I part of me wants to but a part of me doesn't because what's done is done. This last time I caught her cheating it didn't even hurt, I was just disappointed. But we have a daughter together and I'm the only father her son has ever known. It's a very confusing time for me. My heart and mind are in constant battle on what to do. She has made me feel absolutely worthless and I feel like I'll never be good enough.

Wow - first I am sorry you had to find us. Second, I am headed back into work and wanted to send something quick just so you know you have been heard. Others will come along soon. Third, to be upfront, I am not an advocate of staying together for the kids. Most importantly - remind yourself that you have done nothing which would establish you as not good enough or otherwise worthless - all the negative behavior is coming from your WP. Frame it in your mind like this: You have been honest, caring, and have been a good partner - you have stuck around to help raise your collective children. She has lied, cheated, deceived, manipulated, and taken advantage of you and likely others - in front of her, and your, children. Who isn't good enough here?

All that being said, you are completely in normal waters by feeling unsure of what you want to do right now. I would also ask you to consider that your WP's suicide claims are yet another attempt to manipulate you - so proceed with caution about what you believe from her right now. It seems to me that your WP has some deep rooted issues with honesty with boundaries and with attention seeking and those are going to take time and work (on her part) to resolve regardless of whether you stick around. So you have to decide IF you are willing to stick around through all that even if she were doing the work. It's hard, it's not linear, and it's a lot of emotional turmoil.

It is okay to consider what is best for YOU - in fact you should (see my signature line - it's not because I'm a narcissist - it's because it's true). You haven't indicated financially if separating is possible for you, and of course how you would like to take care of the children between you - but all that can be done. Do not let her manipulate you with suicide threats - when that happens I would suggest having her call a hotline or discussing this with her therapist. For a lot those threats are idle and are said to manipulate the BS - but there are some posters on this forum who experienced real suicide attempts, at least one of which was successful. Hopefully one of them can chime in on how to deal with this. I am curious as to how she has gone from dating someone while living with you post separation to threatening suicide if you leave in such a short period.

Please look at the healing library and feel fee to ask any questions you need. Others will be along soon.

Hi, Bills, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Are you in IC? I think it would be beneficial to you to process all this emotional abuse/trauma she has inflicted on you.

Gently, I don't think she is going to stop. She's been cheating your entire relationship, is there really anything to save? She cheats, you find out, she begs forgiveness, she cheats again, lather, rinse, repeat. If one of your friends was in the situation you are in currently, what would be your advice? Stick around and hope she won't cheat again, or find yourself some peace and someone who is worthy of your attention and love.

Please put you first. Think about how you want to live your life, authentically? Right now your children are living in a toxic environment, no matter what the age, you cannot completely protect them from the arguments and tension in your home.

Others will be along shortly, I hope you can find happiness for yourself because everyone deserves happiness and not living being vigilant constantly.

Hi, Bills. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us.

She begged and cried and threatened to kill herself.

The best way to stop this is to take her seriously when she says it and call the police. If she means it, it'll be a catalyst to get the help she needs. If she doesn't, she sure won't try to manipulate you that way again.

My guess is that she's much more worried about maintaining her current lifestyle than about being in a healthy relationship with you.

She had a boyfriend for awhile between October and now.

Is she still seeing the BF?

I'm sorry you find yourself here brother...

It ain't easy, and there's no magical solution to make everything better. But with hard work, time, self-respect, and commitment to yourself I can absolutely guarantee that you can come out of this stronger, wiser, more capable, and healthier.

Give yourself a break and some time to think and focus on your wellbeing. I know it's hard to deal with all this shit and you're looking to fix things, but take some time for yourself to understand what you want out of all this mess. While I would never encourage anyone to call it quits on a relationship, I would also never advocate to stay in one which is hurting you.

You've done nothing wrong. Your SO's infidelity says more about her and absolutely nothing about you. It's like trying to fill up a cup with a hole in it - no matter how hard you try, it will always be empty. She has to fix herself and she has a lot of work to do. She's done a few things right, but at this point there's no way to know if it's genuine or a manipulative horse and pony show.

Read up in the Healing Library and check out the stickied threads in the JFO forum. There's a lot of great information, and understanding what's going on will help your healing. Your healing will take time, no doubt about that. But be patient with yourself, be honest with how you feel, and keep an eye on your sleep, diet, and exercise.

It's tough all the way around to deal with this. But remember - you can always control the choices you make, in spite of the adversity and circumstance you find yourself in. You deserve a loving relationship and you deserve respect. And love and respect always begin with yourself. It's an emotional roller coaster and your heart and mind will point you in different ways. But with focusing on yourself and your wellbeing, the roller coaster will dampen and your heart and mind will align. It just takes time and effort.

You can heal from this.

You're gonna okay.

Hi Bills

I was so sad reading your post. You deserve a lot better than this, and just reading what you wrote it was instantly clear what a generally good guy you are.

Here are my thoughts

I've been cheated on and lied to in just about every relationship.

Every single relationship ends. Be it in divorce, breakups or death. If /when you do end up with the person you will grow old with - you will be with them because every other relationship failed. So don't beat yourself up about things going wrong.

That said, cheating is a pretty specific behavior (as is lying), and it often comes with certain characteristics of the person doing it. Selfishness, low self esteem, craving external validation, or a variety of personality disorders. Healthy people respect and love themselves too much to cheat. So it would be good if you could think about what it is that might be attracting you to people with these broken or malignant characteristics.

It might be something in your past, it might be a knight in shining armour complex, or it might be that sometimes broken people are excellent love bombers! Maybe it would be healing to list out these relationships and look at what their flaws where and what it was that attracted you to begin with.

You might then start to see you're not a person who gets cheated on and lied to. You might instead be a person who's drawn to (for some reason), people who lie and cheat. That is their characteristic. They are a liar and a cheat. You aren't the problem.

When I started dating my significant other 4 years ago I told her about my trust issues. A few years ago I caught her cheating through snapchat. It took some time but I forgave her. In October 2022 I found out she was again talking to other guys on social media and sending/receiving photos and videos.

This shows she's not capable of empathy and real caring.

I confronted her and she ended things.

And this shows she's unremorseful about it.

I told her I was done and wanted her to move out. She begged and cried and threatened to kill herself.. "If we can't be together then there's no reason for me to be alive anymore".

I was pushed to being suicidal by my WH's infidelity. It broke me. What she is doing here though is flat out manipulation that is diverting away entirely from taking responsibility for her own shitty behavior and instead trying to use FOG. Which is:

FEAR: fear you will end up with her dead
GUILT: guilt that you are making her suicidal
OBLIGATION: the concept you have to do what she wants or face the above

This is really classic red flags for a personality disorder. Perhaps narcissism, but based on everything else you said I am calling an armchair diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Have a Google on that. She sounds like a classic case.

I kept telling her no for days and days and she wouldn't stop crying and begging. I told her I'd think about it and that she has alot of proving to do while I'm thinking. She immediately deleted all social media on her phone and she has been acting more affectionate and respectful towards me. She has also started therapy and told me she came to the conclusion that she has cheated on me on social media all those times because she was always the ugly duckling growing up and had no friends, so now she craves and is addicted to attention from others and to feel wanted from others.. which baffles me because I have always gave her constant attention and treated her like a queen.

This all correlates with borderline personality disorder. If she has that, there is nothing you can do to make her feel loved enough - she will just act out for attention and crave drama and the highs and lows. There will be an abusive and repeated cycle of bad behavior followed by remorse. Lather, rinse, repeat.

But we have a daughter together and I'm the only father her son has ever known. It's a very confusing time for me. My heart and mind are in constant battle on what to do. She has made me feel absolutely worthless and I feel like I'll never be good enough.

Everything in your message is shining proof of your worthiness. You've been kind, loyal and in the midst of this shit show you are thinking about her child. The world would be better if more people had these qualities. It sounds to me like you're done with the relationship and are trapped in an abusive cycle. This can be very hard for men to see.

Please read up on the condition. I know it's terrible to try and diagnose these things from a paragraph on the internet but it would be interesting if you read up on it and see what you think!

"If we can't be together then there's no reason for me to be alive anymore".

This is either a sincere cry for mental health help or it is straight up domestic abuse. From the context of your post, I surmise it is the latter.

Do not be manipulated by these threats. Document them and when/if the situation arises (the custody fight that is coming whether you know it or not) you will need this evidence.

I am not real keen on diagnosing people's Mental Health conditions, but it seems like you live with a Garden Variety emotional extortionist. Nothing more, nothing less.

Work out a Co-parenting plan for your child and separate yourself from her post haste.

"If we can't be together then there's no reason for me to be alive anymore".

IMHO if she's using this now and going down this road - it will become a pattern. Each time she doesn't get her
way - she'll use this. And most likely will escalate.

I don't know if she has serious mental issues or is just a master manipulator. Have you contacted a professional to get her help? As the parent of your child [children counting her son] this needs to be addressed professionally. At best, document. And if need be, call authorities if you feel that threat is valid and/or if she acts on it (even by "setting the stage").

Her behavior - for whatever reason - is on her.

OP let me be clear in saying every time you’ve been cheated upon it’s not your fault. That said, I’d like to suggest getting some therapy in digging into your "picker". You’ve consistently picked bad women. Let’s get you some better skills moving forward!

She’s emotionally manipulating you with her suicide threat.

The next time you tell her to get out and she pulls that nonsense, call 911 and tell them she is suicidal. They will sent people over to evaluate her. If she’s truly suicidal she will get the help she needs.

If she’s truly NOT suicidal she will never say that again to you.

Second, you have given her a number of chances and she’s resorted to cheating in you. As others stated she’s more concerned about her lifestyle then being your partner.

Counseling can help you figure out what’s best for you.

If you want this to end you need a co-parenting plan and custody agreement in place. If she wants to be a person who tries to dissuade you from ending this living arrangement, you may need a lawyer to protect you.

But put the welfare of the kids first. It’s not their fault their mother is a lying cheating jerk.