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Newest Member: Tazz

Reconciliation :
Wasn't sure if this was better in Thankful Thursday.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Ladybugmaam (original poster member #69881) posted at 3:51 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

In 3 days, I'll complete my first Ironman. Five years ago, my husband was training and racing for an Ironman with his female training partner....and thus began their brilliant idea to have an affair. Since then, I embraced the sport...which I've grown to love. I was training too, 5 years ago, but was a baby triathlete and just learning the ropes (OW was my mentor....yeah)

The last few weeks and months have been physically and emotionally demanding. Run ins with OW multiple times a week....and she's not sorry. I'm holding myself together trying to not lose my shit and make a scene....but it's been obvious that I've given her a lot of my power. In the last couple of weeks, I've taken that back.

1. I've done lots of self help reading....moderators take this down if needed, but I found a book....The Choice, by a holocaust survivor turned clinical psychologist specializing in trauma. She wrote this memoir/self help for trauma book in her 80s. Her focus on choosing your path forward whatever the journey was eye opening for me. She even divorced her husband and remarried him. 2. I may not have made a scene, but I've enlisted a lot more support. It's been nearly 5 years. I didn't keep it a secret when it Dday occurred, but I DID keep my discomfort and triggering a secret on all those training swims where OW just didn't respect her part of my pain and my desire to just politely ignore her and move on. So, virtually everyone important to me on those swims....knows now. Knows her name. Knows what I've been dealing with. And, they've come out in droves to support me. OW deserves friends and support - just not from me. Funnily enough, this is so common in the tri community that I've made a few more close friends who've been down this road and either R or D....but can empathize. I'm no longer keeping their shame a secret. It isn't mine to carry and I deserve support in those triggering times. I have to fix my own triggers, but I can enlist help. 3. Taper week crazies. Tapering is when you suddenly stop all the crazy workouts and rest in the week leading up to these races. And, if you use exercise to get through your demons.....all those demons show up on your doorstep. It's not been easy. FWH has stepped up. He's human, but I've also been able to express my needs - which I stuffed down before in favor of what he needed- in this week. He's showed up. Particularly with me on the boat last night.....and having him there, rubbing my back...reassuring me helped. Earlier in the week, tongue in cheek, I said....ya know....sometimes I feel like you're a really lucky dumbass over this. He acknowledged that he definitely had been a dumbass, that those days are long gone, that he's VERY lucky....and I feel lucky too. I still miss the fairytale. But, I like this the man I'm married so much more. He is present in ways he never was before. He leans in.

He used to say, pre - A, that we didn't need MC. He said we had a "Porsche" marriage. Lol......now we have a Ferrari. They are finicky m-fr's. They require a lot of maintenance. They are not the most comfortable to drive. But, they're a lot of fun and a big adventure (not that I've owned one....but, got to test drive one once).

So this weekend, rather than celebrating his birthday on the day, my FWH is going to be there clapping and supporting me. OW will likely be hanging too - as this was her community before it was mine. But, she's the Pinto now. This is my bookend to this experience, and I'm going to burn it down.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 473   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8808698
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 4:30 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

I said....ya know....sometimes I feel like you're a really lucky dumbass over this. He acknowledged that he definitely had been a dumbass, that those days are long gone, that he's VERY lucky....and I feel lucky too. I still miss the fairytale. But, I like this the man I'm married so much more. He is present in ways he never was before. He leans in.

I love this. smile This is what R is all about, isn't it? *Happy sigh*

Love the car analogy, especially the part about the Pinto. laugh

Go get 'em!

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1336   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808703
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 5:56 AM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Love the car analogy, especially the part about the Pinto. laugh

I like that one too laugh !!

This is the PERFECT place to put this thread...and thank you so much for sharing grin !! I'm so HAPPY to see that you have taken your power BACK!! You already know I envy you being able to do what you do around the adultery co-conspirator. I will live vicariously through you on that though grin !! Being able to stand your ground...showing YOU will not back down in doing what you WANT...that must be an AWESOME feeling!!

Having such a supportive H must feel pretty amazing too smile . I wouldn't give up too easily on that fairytale either young lady wink . ALL fairytales have some crappy stuff that happens in the story...but that is never the END of the story. MOST fairytales end with "...and they lived happily ever after". That could be YOUR ending too grin !!! Except...y'all won't be riding off into the sunset on some gallant steeds. Y'all will be cruising in the Ferrari grin !!

Just a friendly suggestion...but this post would go so nicely in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned toward the top of the page grin . You haven't posted anything in there since March...and it would be lovely to see THIS post in THAT thread!! All you have to do is copy this post and paste it into that thread blink !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8808833
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:04 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2023

THANK YOU for posting in the PRS thread grin !!! You are FAST!!! Best of luck to you on Ironman this weekend grin !!! Just remember...no matter what...YOU Dear Lady are are a WINNER!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8808859
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 2:52 AM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

Congratulations go get em!!! Thanks for sharing.

The Pinto laugh When I was a kid my parents bought 2 1973 Pintos brand new.

[This message edited by Tanner at 2:54 AM, Sunday, September 24th]

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3474   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8809141
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:56 AM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

You rock!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13978   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8809153
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:44 AM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

You are amazing. Reading this was a wonderful start to my day.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 638   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8809165
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ladyphoenix ( member #72766) posted at 12:49 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

You are definitely an IronLady! I love that you stayed with this sport, when it would have been so much easier to walk away. You faced your literal demon and will walk, run, swim, bike toward claiming your own power.
I also love that your FWH has learned to lean in when you need him and that he is putting you first this weekend.
I can’t wait to read about your experience. I hope you will share how participating in this event felt for you!

M 25 years, together 31. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020.We have 3 children: 24,20, 15 and two grandchildren since 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 149   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8809170
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 1:42 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

How did it go?? smile

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1336   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8809251
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 3:16 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Thank you for sharing this. It is very inspirational. I think it lifts everyone up to see someone be so strong!

posts: 396   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8809259
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 Ladybugmaam (original poster member #69881) posted at 11:48 AM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

I did it! My goal was 15 hours. Came in at 14:45. Allegedly OW was there….but I was so overcome by my real friends and family showing up to support me…that I never even looked for her.

Now to eat all the foods:)

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 473   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8809285
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 1:45 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

Congrats! Awesome achievement! I'm an old marathon runner and I could never imagine doing a tri!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:46 PM, Monday, September 25th]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8809297
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 2:38 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

WHOO HOO! Congratulations!! grin

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1336   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8809305
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:28 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

What a WIN-WIN grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8809311
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 9:00 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

So this weekend, rather than celebrating his birthday on the day, my FWH is going to be there clapping and supporting me. OW will likely be hanging too - as this was her community before it was mine. But, she's the Pinto now. This is my bookend to this experience, and I'm going to burn it down.


Loved this.
Hope it went well Ladybug. Can't wait to hear the update.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2167   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8809348
Topic is Sleeping.
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