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Newest Member: LaSecondeFois

Reconciliation :
she wants to "take it slow"

Topic is Sleeping.
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 DeGeGuy (original poster new member #83785) posted at 9:58 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

And I don't understand. I feel like I am the one chasing her.

Our relationship feels like a shell of what we used to be. Yet when I communicate that I'm done, that I'll leave if she cannot officially commit to me, she breaks down in tears and begs to stay.

Once I am back, the "I love you"'s turn to "love you"'s. During our relationship she would want to see me everyday. Now we see each other for 2-3 days a week, and barely speak on the rest of the days.

AP is gone. The OBS knows and chose to stay with him. My wayward gf (7 years) broke contact with AP, and she's clearly disgusted by him, herself and full of regret and shame.

So the affair I'm very certain: is over.

I feel like reconciliation cannot be taken slowly. How should I be able to build trust, if she keeps me at arms length, yet pulls me in, once I stray too far? She knows me for 8 years. She knows who I am. She doesn't need to take things slow to figure out if she wants this relationship to rekindle or not. She kn

Distance used to be no issue before d-day. But now, it's making it impossible for me to re-evaluate who she is, what we are, and where things are going. And I don't understand why she either still cannot be honest and communicate that, for her, too much damage has been done OR how she actually feels good with the way things are right now. Because that's what she's telling me.

"I just want to feel our connection without feeling the pressure to make a decision. I believe that's the way we'll come together".

I just feel like her shame, guilt and remorse is convincing her to give us another chance. Not our love, bond and history. But whenever I say that, and I do, tears start rolling and the re-assurance, she loves me, she see's only us in the future, starts coming.

Any input on my situation is highly appreciated.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: Germany
id 8808126
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:54 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Reconciliation is not linear, she's either in or out. It can't be half baked. Yes, it will take time, but both parties have to have both feet in it to win it.

Waywards should drive the reconciliation with actions, not words or love bombing. Her actions prove that she's got one foot in and one foot out. Is she pining for the OM? Could be she's grieving the loss of that relationship.

It's her actions that matter, and gently, her actions don't seem as though she is a good candidate for R.

barely speak on the rest of the days.

^^She should be jumping through hoops to win you and your trust back.

posts: 12022   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8808144
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MintChocChip ( member #83762) posted at 11:57 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

The absolute best thing for you, right now, is to walk away.

If things are supposed to be, she will use that time to get herself together and come back all in.

If things are not supposed to be, she won't and you will be able to move on with someone else and a happier life.

Take it from me, that if you let someone stay with only half their foot in the door, then even if they do eventually come around - the damage they did in the process is generally unfixable.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 266   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808145
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:57 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

I’m Sorry to say but you are not in reconciliation.

She’s using you (why I don’t know) but she’s not doing much to keep you in the relationship except being manipulative and doing the bare minimum.

Why?

Because it works for her.

Why?

She believes you won’t leave her or end your relationship. She’s too darn comfortable in your dynamics.

During my H’s midlife crisis affair I was very upfront that I’m not putting up with the lying and cheating. He pretended to R - but he was still cheating. When I found out the affair had been ongoing while I worked my butt off R, I pulled the trigger.

Executed my exit plan and went hard 180 on him. He thought he was going to worm his way out of it. He was shocked when I kicked him to the curb and refused to R.

My only regret it that I didn’t go it after Dday 1. It would have saved me six months of torture and emotional distress caused by my lying cheating H.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13699   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8808184
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 6:20 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Even though the AP is out of the picture, she’s still on the emotional fence. She’s not IN the relationship, but she’s also not ready to leave it. She’ll probably perch up there for a good while, if she’s allowed.

You know that saying, "You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone"? I am a firm believer that many WSs need to feel the loss of their BS in order to pull their heads out of their nether regions. I strongly recommend that you do the 180 and see what happens.

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 803   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808186
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:27 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

The only reason that your gf’s affair is over (if, indeed, it over and not just taken underground while things cool off) is because AP’s wife found out. Are they still working together? If so, you can bet good money the affair will resume, if it hasn’t already.

Most likely, she is staying with you for the time being because she has no soft place to land if you break up. She wants to keep her options open in case she finds someone better.

As myself and others said in your JFO thread, be grateful you decided to hold off on marriage and kids with this woman while you finished your degree. If dating is a rehearsal for marriage, she has already shown you that she can’t uphold marital vows for better or for worse and has no respect for the institution of marriage itself.

The fact that you were married doesn’t diminish your pain, of course, but at least you can walk away from the relationship without the cost and legal hassle involved in divorce, and you’re not tied to her forever through children.

For reconciliation to work, she needs to be driving it. She needs to show you that she is 100% committed to you and to rebuilding the relationship. Her words and actions clearly demonstrate that she isn’t all-in. You’re wasting your time and causing yourself needless pain by trying to keep the relationship together on your own.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1676   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8808187
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Jorge ( member #61424) posted at 5:38 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I feel like I am the one chasing her.


It's probably because you are. You won't know if she'll chase you because you may be to busy chasing her. Why should she chase and do the hard work of reconciling if you're already doing it. As the old saying goes you have to be willing to lose the relationship before you can reconcile into a new one.

If you are unable to risk losing it, her response to you and the relationship will be that of being indifferent and disengaged. Until she sees you as being the indifferent one expect more of the same. Committment to reconciling is sometimes unmistakeable. It's persistent, consistent and sustained. If none of these describe her efforts you are in limbo at best and certainly not in reconciliation.

posts: 730   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8810097
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:55 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

How should I be able to build trust, if she keeps me at arms length,

You don't rebuild trust. You didn't break it,she did. She has to do the work to rebuild trust.

Her tears when you break it off are pure manipulation. The proof of that is her behavior, when she hooks you again.

This isn't R.

There's a lot of talk about the WS fog. But BS cab be in the fog as well. You are in denial. You see her actions as shame, but there is no shame here. If there was, she would be working on herself. She's using tears to get what she wants. That's not shame.

The best thing you can do for yourself,is go complete NC.

Also..I agree the affair isn't over. It's on hold, or underground.

The OBS knowing doesn't mean it's over. Your GF had no choice but to go NC,because he went NC with her..or they want it to seem that way,while he placate his wife.

Her actions don't say she is ashamed. At all.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6177   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8810115
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 3:16 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

I'm sure she cares about you, but she's definitely not in love with you. Her tears? She probably wishes the feelings would return but they haven't.

Ignore her words. Look at the relationship. If this isn't what you want, just end it. My greatest regret with my H is how much time I gave things to change. The irony? It wasn't until I filed for D and we separated that he took me seriously.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5829   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8810123
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SerJR ( member #14993) posted at 3:34 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

You've gotten some great advice and insight from the posters above, that I completely agree with.

One thing not mentioned, is that often (and this is a generalisation) wayward women will rationalise their behaviour with the relationship not being meant to be. Women don't cheat, so it must have been something missing that was causing her to do this. Of course you know this is bullshit (and that what was missing was something with herself), but they can often still feel that love should be a fairytale of bliss forever, when in reality relationships take a hell of a lot of work from both partners to stay healthy. It sounds like she's sitting on the fence, wanting to "discover herself" or some bullshit like that, while you're a convenient backup plan.

You deserve better.

Stop playing the game if she's not being earnest about R. You can't win if you do. The only way to win is to stop playing and put the focus on yourself with the 180 and your own choices and your emotional wellbeing. Let her know your preference would be to make the relationship work, but that if she's not willing to do the work on your relationship that you're moving forward either way.

Reframe.

What do you need from her, if you are to consider reconciling?

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

posts: 18627   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2007   ·   location: Further North than South
id 8810125
Topic is Sleeping.
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