SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So partner and I have started therapy. I go 1x biweekly IC and he goes every week IC. We go to CC biweekly. We go to same therapist.tonight was our 2nd CC session. I have never felt more lost and alone. The counselor is basically telling me to move forward and stop thinking in the past.(dday oct.9,2022) She has asked me what would confronting AP do to help. When I said to let her know how she helped play a role in ruining our relationship, my counselor said" why would she care?" Or something to the effect contacting her would be pointless. Also, she said I am acting hysterical w emotions and need to stop being triggered after I told her last night when my partner didn’t come to bed and I thought he was gone from the house I had a panic attack, she said I need to learn not to let emotions overwhelm me. And in todays session I felt like I was the one who was in the wrong not my WS. Also when he brought up the holidays and wanted to know about visiting his family in TX for Xmas, therapist said I should make a decision about holidays and think about compromise and go to see his family. Because I haven’t gone in awhile.(first off holidays are triggering for me since my own family has had issues and cut offs) ( his family has no idea he had an affair.he doesn’t want to tell anyone because his father just divorced his mother to be with HIS affair partner.) he said he’s not telling family because doesn’t want to hurt his mothers feelings ! therapist said what happened between his parents has nothing to do with us. Even though my WS had affairs JUST like his father during the period his mother was going through discovery! Apparently there is no concern or connection there. Anyways after therapy I just started bawling and got so angry at my WS. I screamed at him in the car and just cried. Then when we got home after eating I cried some more and fell asleep on the couch. I am so emotionally distraught right now. It’s like d day all over. I think I want a different therapist because I feel unheard and blamed and my WS exalted. All the advice she has given us is communicate better.

Please ditch this therapist. He/She is a moron!!!

And completely incompetent in terms of infidelity I might add.

You are not being too emotional. Trust me - you are being completely "normal" given the circumstances and situation.

Get yourself your own therapist. ASAP! Someone who can support you.

Also regarding the holidays - DO NOT give in to your H’s demands. If the idea of going to visit his family doesn’t sit well with you, don’t go. Period.

He’s trying to save face with his family. My H tried that move too. I was not to tell anyone he was cheating. I did what he asked for a few weeks. Then I told a few people. Then at dday2 I made him tell his family. And then I told every one of them how he planned to kick me to the curb.

Don’t hide his secret. If you feel you need to explain WHY you can’t visit his family and it’s due to his affair then say so. It is acceptable to say to his mom or dad or siblings that "due to unfortunate circumstances I am unable to visit right now. Due to X’s affair, we are having some serious issues at this time and it would be best for me to avoid ruining the holidays for you".

Don’t go into details. Don’t discuss further. Just state the facts and apologize to them again.

If your H wants to go visit, let him. But stand your ground and don’t be backed into a corner.

Please continue to post here b/c you will get great advice and support. And I am certain many other SI veterans will agree the counselor stinks!

Just to be sure, ask yourself if you remember what the CC said accurately or did you filter it too much. The reason I suggest questioning yourself is that what you report is really terrible counseling.

I agree fully with the comments about not confronting the ap, but on other things, she's way off, IMO.

You can use help processing the feelings that come with being betrayed, but the advice you report seems to be to stuff them - that is, to pretend they don't exist. Stuffing feelings is a prescription for continued self-blame and depression. Processing them out of your body frees you from the feelings.

You describe some processing - your description of breaking down after a shower. That breakdown actually released some feelings, IMO. It's just that there are so many feelings of anger, grief, fear, and shame that come with being betrayed that it's good to find ways other than breaking down to release the emotions.

I'm still stuck on your H's erasing material from your phone. That says he wants to rug-sweep, not to take responsibility for his A and his lies. Has he come clean yet? If he's dumped more info, does your gut say he's come clean?

You write about your CC's confronting you. What has your CC done to confront your WS?

I agree with The1stWife about not hiding your partner's A from his family.

Do you really want to stay with your partner? Or are you wanting not to repeat your family's story? Remember: you didn't fail - your partner did.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:37 PM, Tuesday, November 1st]

I want to drop CC, cause I don’t like how it’s being handled. This I clearly remember the counselor saying last night that mens brains are wired differently, they move on faster than women. They don’t dwell like women do. Which I know already. I mean I live with him believe me I know mens brains are different. But she didn’t say anything after that. I interpreted that she meant I need to move on, stop thinking of the ap and their texts/ pictures, etc. immediately,but right now it’s really hard. And I didn’t cause the affair so why is she saying this, to me as she directed this explanation to me. Last night I cried so much for so many hours that my eyes were swollen and puffy. I’ve never cried that much in my life. I have been sharing my fears and thoughts with my partner and most recently my anger. Last night I was extremely angry and I unleashed the anger. Mostly it stemmed from the therapist wanting me to answer her question about going to his family for Xmas but keeping the affair a secret because his mother and father just got divorced inMay and the father is now with his affair partner. ( therapist said that has nothing to do with us) but his dad and mom were dealing with the affair discovery during the years my partner decided to cheat on me back in 2018/2019 and then in early 2021 with the AP. When his mom and dad came to see us in May for his graduation for his masters, they were just a few days from being divorced ( after 40 + years) and that next weekend was when my partner went to Nashville for 4 days with OW . This is the second time I called in sick because I was up all night crying and barely sleeping. Over this past weekend I thought I was in a better place and was happy being with my partner. I felt that we had gotten back in our natural groove, tinged w a little sadness and sometimes thinking in comparisons to AP dates flashed through my mind. The date he had booked for them in early October I went to with a friend. While I had fun I couldn’t help thinking he would have still gone out with her if I hadn’t caught him. They would have been in that theater together instead of me. My thoughts are all over the place.

Old timer first time posting on one of your threads, I think. I give facts from my own personal experience, and my years here.
I am more than a dozen years out. I was able to R w/ my H, and am pro R if it's the right circumstances.

1. It is NEVER a good idea to share a therapist for IC. It's NEVER a good idea to go to CC with a therapist either of you use. It is impossible for them to maintain an indifference and not side w/ one or the other.

2. Your counselor is dangerous. She is not just lousy she is telling you and forcing you to make decisions based on your partners level of readiness. As someone that has worked w/ people to work on health understanding readiness is huge in creating effective lasting change.

3. It is not your burden to bear his shame. Him not wanting to tell others is based in shame. You have every right to share what you are going through. His actions have created terrible trauma for you. He is clueless that he has traumatized you, and isn't owning the fact that he has. Or is refusing to accept that he did this damage.

4. The fact that he deleted shit off your phone should be a non-starter. I know you are scared, and don't want your relationship to end, but here is a cold hard fact. It has. Your relationship as you believed it to be, never was, and what was died as soon as he cheated, and you knew he cheated.
Here's where shit goes sideways though. That doesn't mean that it wasn't good, or that the love you had wasn't real. It was broken, very broken, but not because of any short coming you had.

I understand that you are in pain, and you will be for a good bit no matter what path you choose, you have been hurt and traumatized. I urge you to step back and slow down. You cannot rush this, and the only way to heal, and heal right is to go through it. There are no shortcuts. There are no easy ways. The best thing you can do to simplify it and allow you to heal properly is to make you the #1 priority.

Get yourself a counselor that specializes in trauma, deals with things like rape, murder, grief trauma, NOT infidelity. Infidelity is his problem, not yours.

Sit down and figure out why you want to stay with this man. If fear of the unknown, being alone, and finances are included in those reasons then you need to step back and figure out how to fix those fears first. Staying because you are afraid usually does not end well.

Then figure out what your absolutes are. What do you absolutely need from him.
Honesty, transparency, going to IC, allowing you to discuss what he has done to you, Your absolutes may be different from mine. That's ok. But you have to know what would need to happen for you to walk away. Once you figure those out you tell him. DO NOT share w/ him until you are ready to walk away.

I know you aren't married, but may have been together long enough to comingle expenses, own things together. You need to see an attorney so you understand how separating will effect you financially. What you need to do to be able to financially be able to walk away.
The reason I emphasize this is again not staying in a relationship where fear makes you stay. You want to stay because you feel loved honored and respected, and if you don't you feel strong enough to say so, and see action to make you feel those things.

Keep reading and posting.

Everything Tushnurse said.. and twice. Read her post again and again.

You'd be surprised how many really crappy therapists are working out there. Some are even cheaters themselves. The fact that this one ADDED to your trauma is plenty of reason to dump her and find a specialist.

This I clearly remember the counselor saying last night that mens brains are wired differently, they move on faster than women. They don’t dwell like women do.

This is absolutely false. We've seen guys with unhealed trauma going back twenty, thirty, and even fifty years. It's true that brains are wired a bit differently between men and women, but that difference does NOT result in men healing faster from infidelity. Men experience the same wide variety of emotions that women do, and while they can be a bit slower to describe them in a nuanced way at the onset, their emotions are absolutely just as complex. Cheaters can move on faster, that's true, because typically they aren't traumatized by their own actions and they aren't dealing with an incomplete puzzle regarding exactly what happened and when. The answer isn't to rush the BS into rugsweeping though. The answer is for the WS to develop EMPATHY and to adopt some meaningful values and boundaries.

So sorry that happened to you. It's unconscionable.

((hugs))

I think I want a different therapist because I feel unheard and blamed and my WS exalted.

I don't think, I know you need a different therapist. You go to a therapist to heal from the trauma, not to be chided for not getting over it.

This I clearly remember the counselor saying last night that mens brains are wired differently, they move on faster than women. They don’t dwell like women do.

I disagree. It's been decades for me, and I still have problems (I'm a man). So I second ChamomileTea's comments. Besides, even if his brain does move on more quickly, it doesn't matter. For true R, you have to heal from the trauma, and that can only be done on your timeline, not his.

Just a few comments of support.

[This message edited by Adolfo at 10:59 PM, Tuesday, November 1st]

Stop using the same therapist for MC and IC. It’s a clear conflict of interest on the therapist’s part because the therapist has a duty to maintain confidentiality and avoid being biased one way or another.

You need your own counselor that is going to give you guidance and advice that is based in what’s in your best interest.

It also seems like you should both stop seeing this person for MC. She has no empathy for you, isn’t helping you navigate your maelstrom of emotions, and making you feel worse instead of better.

Worst of all, the MC is validating your WS that you’re being unreasonable and irrational and that it’s not his responsibility to rebuild the marriage, but your responsibility to get over it.

Pardon my French, but fuck that!

bad therapist

though i agree with not confronting the AP at this time. The AP
will not care. If the AP had a conscience they would of not have
been a AP to start with.

Thank you for everyone’s advice and support- I want to feel this kind of support in therapy with this kind of wisdom. I’m still currently looking for a new therapist but I definitely will not be going to joint counseling with him anymore.
Currently my partner has been physically ill ever morning since confrontation. (Vomiting in shower) is this a sign of guilt or regret? He tells me it’s because he can’t stand how he has hurt me.
He’s always had trouble seeing the bigger picture in social ways and in our relationship and gets stuck on details to start actions(before d day) so I think it’s still difficult for him to know what to do so I told him some concrete actions he could do to show me he is committed. 1/ he and I sign a cohabitation agreement and have a notary sign it. 2/ we create a joint banking account. He said he is willing to do both. We both have been cohabiting in CT for 13 years in our home we currently reside in and we both chose together. It’s all in his name as he is the breadwinner. (Common law marriage is not acknowledged in legal law in CT) yes my biggest fear is part of not being financially secure anymore. I work full time and have good benefits (well until our contract goes to a HDSA in Jan) but I essentially make poverty wages to be independent. Even with an extra job and side gig. But that is an excuse. I want to feel secure in my own finances regardless of being w him or not, but I feel like I’m running against a clock and I’m not sure when it will go off. I feel like I’m in a fucking Brontë novel.

I think you'd be better off to skip the notary public, find an attorney, and get a legal palimony agreement put together. I find it hard to believe that he's puking from anxiety every morning, but I suppose anything's possible. It would probably be good for him to see his medical doctor to be sure. Assuming that he does feel actual guilt for what he's done, it would be good for you to strike while the iron is hot to get that agreement signed.

The house is in his name? Stop funding it.

Put your $ in your own bank account in your name alone. $ he has no access to. Period.

Save your $. As much as you can for the rest of your life. Just in case. You just never know.

Find a new therapist or counselor and STOP seeing the one you have/had. You need support from your counselor, not judgement.

Start setting boundaries for yourself. You don’t want to visit his family for the holidays? Don’t.

You want to tell his family he’s been cheating? Then do it. Don’t hide his secrets. Stop letting him call the shots.

Now is the time to stand up to him, take back your power and control (and up your self esteem) by standing up for yourself. It doesn’t have to be confrontational BUT YOU do not have to give in him on anything.

Dday2 was a game changer for me. And my H finally saw he couldn’t get his own way any longer.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:11 AM, Sunday, November 6th]

After wayward partner returned home from therapy we watched the movie Ghost- with Demi Moore and Patrick Swazey. I totally balled like a baby in certain scenes cause I took the actual physical death as a metaphor for my relationship and it just made me cry. WP is sitting on couch- barely notices I’m crying but then does and asks me if I’m crying because this movie is sad. And I look at him pissed. I explain to him it’s like our relationship right now. He doesn’t do anything to comfort me - verbally or physically. Doesn’t hold my hand, move closer, hug, etc. but when he’s been sad guess what he gets? Tons of verbal and physical comfort. Is he just the most selfish prick or in honesty I sometimes wonder if he is on the spectrum, because facial emotional cues are not something he is good at. But this is what he texted me:

"If you are upset bc I didn't pay enough attention to you after you looked upset from watching the ghost reaction video
I was emotionally and physically exhausted from therapy and everything else at that point. I wanted to listen i just needed some rest."
( this was prompted not just from video but also me sending him texts of pictures where I was when he was out with OW in the summertime)

A couple of comments...

If you don't want to comfort him, don't. If you don't want to comfort him because he doesn't comfort you, that looks pretty transactional, which isn't great for a relationship. Especially after infidelity, it doesn't matter how much angst he feels - if you don't want to comfort, you need to not comfort him. And vice versa.

The incident you describe could have been avoided if your WS had been honest. He could have said, 'I'm too exhausted to watch a movie right now. I need to rest for _____ amount of time. Let's watch at this time: half an hour/tomorrow/next week/whenever.'

R requires honesty. It won't work unless you both give what you want to give and you both receive what you want to receive. Now is a time to test whether he wants what you want to give and you want what he wants to give. It's not going to happen always, but for R to succeed, the successes have to way outnumber the failures.

If that's not happening, why stay?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:35 PM, Wednesday, November 9th]